Part One of this post appears below this post.
Me: THEY DO NOT. Italy does not have a fucking space program.
Buck: Yes they do. Umberto Guidoni is an Italian astronaut. He was in the Italian Air Force.
Me: Italy has an Italian Air Force? Ha. I find that impossible to believe. You’re so full of shit. [laughing] So … you took a special NASA bus at some point.
Buck: Yeah, I couldn’t believe when I saw the bus driver. I didn’t even realize he was the bus driver, I thought he some old guy they were using as a guide. His name was Kenny and when I first saw him he was outside of the bus. I couldn’t believe it when he got on the bus and sat in the driver’s seat. I got scared, actually. [laughing]
Me: Why?
Buck: Well for starters, he couldn’t lift his head up. His neck had moved down to the middle of his chest. He had osteoporosis so bad. He was ancient, and completely bent in half. But somehow he wheeled that bus around with no problem. [laughing]
Me: He probably had some kind of contract with NASA that they couldn’t let him go, ever. He was probably a former astronaut.
Buck: Something was really weird about it. And the whole time he was driving, he was pointing out alligators on the side of the road. Suddenly he’d come on the intercom and yell, There’s an alligator to your right at 11 o’clock! and There’s an alligator to your left at 3 o’clock! It was disturbing, to say the least.
Me: Did you ask him to stop so you could pose with one of the alligators pulling off your underpants? Like the little girl in the Coppertone ad, or like in Florida postcards?
Buck: NO. And that was a puppy in the ad, not a big fucking alligator. If we had stopped, these things would have attacked the bus.
Me: I hate alligators.
Buck: There was a pelican sneaking up on one of the alligators, and I told the NASA press secretary, That pelican is gonna kill that alligator. She smiled at me like, Who’ is this fucking asshole? [laughing laughing laughing]
Me: [laughing] Do you suppose this is why people outside of New England don’t like us? Like the time we were in the Grand Canyon and we told the guide we’d both been bitten by their rabid chipmunks and it was their fault for allowing us to wear sandals?
Buck: Yes. And then the press officer said to me, No, no, pelicans don’t kill alligators. So I said, Really? I find that hard to believe because pelicans are so vicious, I’m surprised it isn’t more of a problem here in Florida. [laughing] And that pelican certainly looks like he’s gonna kill that alligator. But she didn’t get it. She didn’t think I was funny at all.
Me: So when did you get to go to that room where you’re weightless and can float around? The zero-gravity room, where you can spit and your spit will just float in the air?
Buck: Oh, you’re talking about the bus. The bus was zero-gravity inside, because Kenny kept hitting the brakes and we’d all go flying. [laughing]
Me: [laughing laughing laughing] So they didn’t let you into that room so you could float around?
Buck: That isn’t a room.
Me: What the hell is it?
Buck: It’s in a plane.
Me: No. You’re wrong. I’ve seen them on TV, floating around in a room and having lots of fun.
Buck: No, it isn’t. You’re talking about some ride where they shoot the air underneath you —
Me: YES. At least I think that’s what I mean —
Buck — at amusement parks.
Me: NO. They walk into a room wearing space suits and they literally float around and do aerial stunts. It’s like they’re underwater —
Buck: NO, THEY DON’T. They get up in a plane, a big plane, and then the plane dives. When the plane dives, everything’s the same weight, so you can float around in there. But the plane has to pull out of it.
Me: That sounds horrible, absolutely horrible. If I was in a plane that took a dive like that, I would not be enjoying myself floating around.
Buck: It’s happened to people in passenger jets when the plane takes such a dive —
Me: Hey, I don’t want to talk about that. I know all about it, my grandmother was in a commercial jet crash, you know.
Buck: We all know about your grandmother.
Me: [laughing]
Buck: I’m glad she was in that plane —
Me: WHAT?! [laughing] What the hell is wrong with you?
Buck: — for all the grief she’s given me. [laughing]
Me: Shut the hell up. She’s never given you any grief. Me, well, that’s another story. [laughing]
Buck: I’ve had to relive your grandmother’s plane crash regularly for more than twenty years.[laughing] I’m glad she’s dead. [laughing]
Me: Oh. My. God. [laughing] You really are an jerk. [laughing]
Buck: I did get to see the original lunar landing control room, and that was pretty cool. I was pretty amazed by NASA, actually.
Me: Well, I think your trip sounds just okaaay. You didn’t get to float around in a state of zero-gravity, you didn’t get to eat a tube of liquid turkey and mashed potatoes … did you? Did you get to eat a tube of liquid turkey and mashed potatoes? Or any space food, for that matter?
Buck: No.
Me: Did you get to pee into a special vacuum tube?
Buck: No. Well, I did, but I don’t think it was a sanctioned tube. It was a cardboard thing I pulled out of the trash.
Me: [laughing] Ugh. I hate to tell you, but this trip sounds kinda awful.
Buck: It wasn’t. It was very cool. Fascinating, really.
Me: Right.
Buck: It was. Did you know that when they’re going to launch a shuttle, they have to use this high frequency noise-thing that drives all the alligators away? It’s to protect the alligators —
Me: It sounds to me like alligators are more trouble than they’re worth.
Buck: — but then they have to be careful, because the next day it makes the alligators just want to breed all over the place. [laughing]
Me: Oh God! How hideous. Imagine taking off in a rocket and looking out the window and seeing that taking place all over the ground below you? Jeezus. I’d freak out. I’d probably throw up.
Buck: NASA is very fascinating.
Me: No it’s not, Buck. It’s a very weird place. And after this trip of yours, I’m no longer sure I believe we really went to the moon.
Buck: [laughing] That’s insane.
Me: No, it’s not. [laughing] And I’m not the only person who feels this way —
Buck: Why do you have to bring Coast to Coast into everything? Why must George Noory and his conspiracy friends infiltrate every thread of our lives —
Me: It’s not just George Noory that thinks that, okay? NASA was probably lying when they said we went to the moon. I think it was all staged. They probably filmed it here in El Paso.
Buck: Hey, just because we have NASA here in El Paso —
Me: WHAT?! We do not.
Buck: We do! [laughing] It’s right out by the airport. It’s where the shuttle astronauts train. Here and at White Sands.
Me: Right … Ugh. I don’t know what happened to you at NASA, but you’ve returned as the Manchurian Candidate. You’re completely insane. Wait till I Fast Blast George Noory this week and tell him about this. His hair is gonna stand on end.
________________
Here’s what I want to know: Did Buck go to NASA on purpose or was he forced to go for work or something?
And if he went on purpose, then why?
@ Barbara – He was in Florida for work, test riding motorcycles. They used NASA as one of the destinations.
funny! (it’s SNOWING in Massachusetts right now! thot maybe you’d want to know that. maybe not.)
Maybe it was the Toucans that attack the alligators. Toucans are very vicious.
I must be a bit tweeked, because I picked up on the peeing in a cardboard tube as the LOL part of the post. Taking nothing away from the bird killing a gator, or your complete adoration for your Granny.
I want to sit down to dinner with you and Buck! Ummmm, maybe not. I am not sure if my little ego could handle Buck’s wit. hehehe
@ Curious C – Toucans look like they could do some real damage. Those beaks are just awful. I bet they could kill a person. 🙂
@ betme – Oh, you shouldn’t be afraid of having dinner with me Buck. Although, there is some weird thing that goes on where we’re only invited to new people’s homes once. Once, and then we’re never invited again. I have no idea what that’s about. I should blog about it, actually, because we have a lot of dinners we could scrutinize to try and figure out where it all went to shit. 🙂
OMG, I had such a good image in my head of the bent-in-half bus driver, it really disturbed me!!!
And oh my gosh I was waiting for the “liquid food in tube” part…how could they NOT have gotten free samples of that???? Maybe he didn’t charm NASA enough….
If I was in a plane that took a dive like that I would have a heart attack. I don’t fly. And my prise for losing weight this year is celebrating Sarah’s birthday (New Year’s Eve) in Florida at Disneyworld. I might gain weight just so I don’t have to go. The rest of the family thinks this is a good thing. Flying is not good to me. But I know I will do it so I don’t miss her birthday but there will be a lot of drinking and drugs involved.
I loved this blog. I needed a good laugh today.
LOL love your blog 🙂
Joan – Yeah, I cannot imagine the horror of being in a plane taking a dive like that. I really thought they were in a safe room where they could float. I have no idea why anyone would want to be an astronaut. What an awful job.
Romi – Yeah, I’m afraid they didn’t find him charming at all. It’s a problem New Englanders have when we stray away from Red Sox Nation. Very few people think we’re funny.
But Kaylee does! Kaylee thinks we’re funny! Thank you, Kaylee. I haven’t been over to your blog yet, but it’s on my To Read List for tonight. I have wicked fascinating Friday nights … it’s when I get a lot of my best blog reading done. 🙂
It’s tragic how few people are aware of how dangerous and vicious pelicans really are. I bet you ANYTHING that your hunchback bus driver got that way by trying to get between a pelican and a gator. I believe the saying in Florida is “if the gators don’t get ya the pelicans will”. Or something like that.
Fun post Wendy, thanks! I went to the Kennedy Space Center on a field trip when I was a junior high student (living in Hallandale, FL at the time). I thought it was pretty cool.
Oh my god– now I’ve peed in my pants. You two can come to dinner at our place any time. And I promise, I’d invite you back.
(I had this mean as hell step-grandfather who swore that the whole moon landing thing was made up, and that every word written in the “Weekly World News” was the god’s truth.)
@ David – I’m sure you and Buck could have a fascinating conversation about the Kennedy Space Center and, of course, pelicans. I’ve never seen a pelican in person, but when I was doing nails I had a client come in with her hand all bandaged up like a mummy. She said there had been a large strange bird in her backyard (this was on the Cape) that looked prehistoric, so she went out tried to feed it part of her sandwich. It turned out to be some sort of giant fucking kingfisher and it nearly took her hand off. Kingfishers are probably in the pelican family, I’m sure.
@ MBMQ – Ha! Your step-grandfather sounds hilarious. I’m sure he was not (if you had to deal with him), but to outsiders he must have seemed like a pistol. And thanks for the dinner invitation, I’m sure you’d have fun having dinner with us. I don’t know what’s wrong with all these other people who can’t take a joke, any joke. I should blog about it though, like the couple who were mortified when Buck stuck a pea up his nose (when no one was looking) and then fake sneezed and let the pea fly across the table. I didn’t get it, I thought it was hilarious, but they were horrified. And hey, he did apologize.
You two are freakin’ hysterical. I love your stories. 😀
Alligators scare the crap out of me.