Buck, going over my list of resolutions for 2008
Me: Just because your goals for the coming year involve gallivanting to far away places like you’re Anthony-Fucking-Bourdain doesn’t mean that mine have to —
Buck: Max, do you like Anthony Bourdain?
Max: I have mixed feelings about him. I’d like to punch him in the stomach while I’m shaking his hand.
Me: HEY. We’re talking about me here, not Anthony Bourdain … and for the life of me I cannot understand why you didn’t like Kitchen Confidential.
Max: He blew up everybody’s spot.
Me: What does that mean?
Max: He sold out. The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.
Me: Sam, do you like Anthony Bourdain?
Sam: I don’t even know who Anthony Bourdain is. Was he in Fight Club? I don’t remember him. Is that his real name or his character’s name?
Me: What I want to know is, what in the name of sweet Jesus is so funny about my New Year Resolutions?
Buck: Well, for starters, they’re written on the back of a torn recipe for something called Kerin’s Salsa.
Me: [laughing] What the hell does it matter what they’re written on?
Buck: I’ve seen this recipe floating around for days. I was waiting for the salsa to show up. Mango, avocado, onions, cilantro, cucumber, and THE JUICE OF ONE LIME.
Me: Sounds delicious. I am going to make it.
Buck: I don’t think it will take you very long.
Me: I have to purchase the ingredients first, which will require leaving the house. But what the hell does the recipe have to do with my resolutions? Why are you laughing at my life plans for a great ’08?
Buck: You’ve already got a lot of stuff from ’07 you haven’t done yet, and ’06.
Me: [laughing]
Buck: I’ve got a list of all the stuff you haven’t done yet —
Me: What?! What the hell is wrong with you? [laughing]
Buck:[laughing] — and now you’re adding more.
Me: Why are you keeping a list of what I haven’t done?
Buck: [laughing] Because you’re always bringing up these lists all the time.
Me: It’s true. [laughing] I tend to do that. But I need the lists so I won’t forget.
Buck: Well don’t worry, I won’t. I mean, look at this one … 2008. Why did you write that at the top? So you’d remember which year’s list this was? You’ve probably got a book of your lists of resolutions. [In falsetto meant to be my voice] I think I’ll just publish all my resolutions. Nobody’s ever done THAT before!
Me: I’m not opposed to that idea.
Buck: And in each chapter you could explain why each resolution is un-resolved.
Me: [laughing] Except for the fact I don’t actually have these lists of un-resolved resolutions you claim I have. But I do have a reason why each one has remained un-resolved … thus far, anyway.
Buck: I’m sure you do. Maybe part of the problem can be traced back to 2005 when your resolution was to nap more —
Me: Actually, that’s not as outlandish as it sounds —
Buck: Oh, I didn’t think it was outlandish at all —
Me: — because part of my resolution for 2008 is to nap better. I just haven’t put it on the list yet.
Buck: Quick, where’s a pen —
Me: I nap enough, I just don’t nap well. I start to fall asleep but then I wake right up and that sends me into a RAGE, which sort of defeats the whole purpose of a nap in the first place.
Buck: Okay [starts writing] nap well. It’s at the bottom of your list, though.
Me: Jeezus. I keep telling you this.THESE ENTRIES ARE NOT WRITTEN ACCORDING TO THE ORDER OF IMPORTANCE.
Buck: Well it’s written that way according to the reader. And Max agrees with me.
Me: Leave him out of this. If you weren’t reading my list of resolutions and laughing about them, I wouldn’t have been forced to put the numeral one next to my number two item —
Buck: Yeah, you put it in afterwards, otherwise we never would have gotten that.
Me: You weren’t supposed to get it. They’re my resolutions. My being the operative word —
Buck: But when somebody sees that the first thing on the list is to juggle … well, this is only gonna get stupider.
Me: No. No. Juggling is not stupid.
Buck: There is no good reason to juggle.
Me: There is a good reason —
Buck: You’re too old to join the carnival.
Me: I’m not doing it for carnival purposes, I’m doing it to exercise my brain. I figure if I go into old age as a juggler, my brain will be sharp. Sharper than it is now.
Max: But you always said anybody who juggles is an asshole.
Me: No, what I said was, anybody who juggles professionally is an asshole. But I didn’t really mean it, I was just trying to encourage you to aim higher … for something that pays better.
Max: I was eight-years-old.
Me: Well it worked, didn’t it? If I hadn’t planted that in your head just think what you’d be making right now … just think what you’d be earning if you were a juggler! ….. You should thank me.
Buck: Watching somebody juggle is like watching somebody whistle.
Me: [laughing] I’m not doing it for you to watch me, I’m doing it alone … in private.
Buck: If a woman juggles in the forest …
Me: You won’t be laughing when after a year of juggling I’m suddenly able to do people’s taxes —
Buck: I’ve never heard you mention a desire to do people’s taxes.
Me: I never have mentioned it. I’m just saying that’s how sharp I’ll be. I used to juggle, don’t you remember? You used to coach me on it. Don’t you remember?
Buck: Absolutely not.
Me: See? You should be juggling.
Max and Sam: [laughing]
Buck: Yeah, then I can be as sharp as a carny. I’ll be wanting to leave town, to get my ring toss set up.
Me: [laughing]
Buck: Anyway. You’ve got juggling as your first resolution. No one will even pay attention to the second one because they’ll be laughing so hard at the first one —
Me: These are my resolutions. They’re not for publication. I’m not getting paid for writing these –
Buck: Well, normally when somebody writes a list, their top priority goes first, but you’ve got finishing your book right below juggling —
Me: No. Finishing my book is number one —
Buck: But I’d never know that without your number here —
Me: I had to add the numeral because you were making such a big deal —
Buck: And you’ve got buy a sewing a machine … make pants. It sounds like you’re going around pantless.
Me: No. I want to make a bunch of silk harem pants. I’m going to develop my own fashion style.
Buck: My god …you already have your own fashion style.
Me: So? I’m adding harem pants, what’s so odd about that?
Buck: Okay. I’ll add that for you. Develop. My. Own. Fashion. Style. But number four is quit smoking. That’s not very high on your list.
Me: It’s not.
Buck: So we should just cross that off altogether.
Me: I’m going to do it, but not till I get around to it.
Buck: I’m crossing it off.
Me: Well go ahead, but I will quit smoking when I get around to it. It takes devotion, you know.
Buck: Yeah, I know. I quit smoking EIGHT WEEKS AGO.
Me: You’re doing great! I’m so proud of you.
Buck: What is this paint some portraits?
Me: I’m going to paint some portraits in 2008.
Buck: Of who?
Me: Who do you think? You, of course.
Buck: What will be your medium?
Me: Oils or acrylics. I haven’t decided yet.
Buck: Listen, listen. You need to finish your book. All these things you’ve got on this list, these are all things that keep you away from what you love best and what you’re supposed to be doing, your writing.
Me: I know. It’s awful, I know. I just … I don’t know. I just …
Buck: Put the juggling aside, put the harem pants aside, forget the portraits of me, and just sit down at the computer and write.
Me: You’re right.
Buck: Of course I’m right. Forget all the other crap on that list except for finishing your book. And the quit smoking part. You still have to do that.
Me: I know. How hateful. I hate quitting smoking.
Buck: I’m with you on that one, baby. That’s why I’m your advance scout.
Links: Juggling Makes Your Brain Bigger
BrainReady Recommends Juggling
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I used to be able to juggle. I even got good enough to do a few juggling tricks. It’s a lot more fun than it looks. And just imagine all the non-juggling mortals who look at you in awe like you are some kind of a god for having such a sweet skill.
I so do the “take a nap and wake right up” stuff. I HATE when that happens.
@ Stu – Yes! That’s another benefit of juggling, admiration for having a sweet skill.
@ Little Miss – I hate it so much, it makes me crazy. My sister has the same problem and her doctor told her it’s anxiety. Anxiety ruins naps.
You guys are adorable. You know that, right? I think you should add to your resolutions, “Buy note paper.”
Your fashion style looks great, and I hope you quit the smoking thing soon! It’s hard to juggle with a cigarette in your hand. Unless you’re juggling cigarettes. Okay, I’m definitely going to bed now.
I think your goals are great. One day at a time, baby! You are hilarious. When you get the book completed, published and go on tour – I’ll come stand in line to meet you and ask you to sign it.
I used to write list, but couldn’t handle all the critics. You’re a better woman than I! 🙂
Hilarious interview.
I always find I become a bitch for at least an hour after waking up from a nap. Anxiety huh? Makes sense. Anxiety ruins alot of things.
You and Buck could be carnies together. You could juggle and he could run the ring toss. Carnivals love husband and wife teams.
When you go on tour after you finish your book, Barbara and I will go with you as bodyguards. Anybody who bothers you will be in big trouble. Barbara will take em down and I’ll sit on them. Done. Your safe. You know we can do it.
I could just picture the four of you having this conversation. I bet Barbara crossed off quitting smoking on her resolutions list if she even has one, which I doubt.
I can understand Sam not knowing who Anthony Bourdain is. I’m sure Damon has no clue either. I’ve never watched his show. It comes with a warning and I’m afraid of what I’ll see.
I think learning how to juggle is a good idea. I bet it would strengthen your mind but there might be easier (and less dangerous) ways like Sudoku or crossword puzzles. I’m still waiting for you to make your first move on scrabulous on Facebook. I’d have to juggle with feathers because I know I would start breaking things with balls or bowling pins.
Joan’s right, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but if I did it would include quitting smoking and exercising. And we all know I was born with a cigarette in one hand and a book in the other, so it ain’t gonna happen.
But still, I love Wendy’s list, especially the one about making pants. It is so Wendy to wish she could make a pair of pants, and yet I couldn’t tell you why it’s so Wendy. It just is. And furthermore, if she’d told me such a thing when we were sitting at my kitchen table smoking and drinking coffee, I’d have busted out laughing, then she’d have busted out laughing and we would have laughed for at least five minutes.
The one item on the list I don’t get is “Get in at Nail Pro? El Paso?” Explain please.
@ Moonbeam – I have tons of note paper, that’s what’s so sad … I seem to grab anything that’s lying around and write on it.
@ Curious C – That will be excellent. Perhaps my publishing house will pay for me to take you to dinner.
@ Susan – I do make lists, but I never look at them again.
@ Alyson – I’ve always wanted to be a carny, and the only thing that’s stopped me is that I was born too late. I want to be a carny in the dust bowl during the Depression, like on Carnivale.
@ Joan – You guys can totally come with me on my book tour. I think we’ll probably have the best time in Japan. Hopefully I’ll be asked to be a guest on a TV show, like Bill Murray in Lost In Translation.
@ Barbara – I think it would be good to make pants. I wanted to make silk brocade ones, and also a few pairs out of that novelty fabric they sell at Wal-Mart. You know, the fabric with all the pictures of sushi on it, and the ones with camping scenes. I’d also give them away as gifts: “Here, I made you some pants.”
Nail Pro and El Paso magazine were two markets I was considering writing for last week when I wondered if I should be making more money and doing some freelance work. Nail Pro was interested, but I never got around to contacting El Paso Magazine. It’s just as well, as Buck pointed it would be one more thing to keep me from writing. I’d be all, “I hate this fucking article on cactus candy and I wish I was dead,” and that sort of thing you’ve heard me say a million times before. It would be the Business Connection all over again.
Nail Pro magazine? Buck has a very good point that everything on the list is keeping you away from finishing your book. Which would you be more proud of 6 articles in EP magazine with a readership of maybe a few thousand or having to add New York Times Best Seller to the start of your name? You have already made a name for yourself as a magazine writer, copy editor, now all you need is to conquer the New York times book list. Recognition in this town’s literary market bears no fruit- we saw that first hand ( ” Where do you find time to write?”). The newspaper has a monopoly and an attitude of they will publish what they want. Its like I said about swimming with big fish in a small pond-that’s what this town is. You have more experience and talent in your writing to expose it on a national level, where it will be more welcomed, understood, and more appreciated than to try and peddle it to anything local here. I, on the other hand should try and write more and try to peddle them to local publications here in order to get the experience and have published writing examples for my portfolio.
The Business Connection. Jesus god almighty. Are we talking about the same thing? The awful tab the newspaper put out wherein you had to visit 60 local businesses and write a blurb for each one that told readers how wonderful and exciting these pathetic businesses were? Think failing art galleries, linoleum stores, oil companies etc.
I am shuddering and will probably have nightmares tonight.
@ Raging Storm – As I was posting this last night, I felt a stab of pain in my head, knowing that this would bring you out of the woodwork to gleefully berate me. But seriously, I know you’re right about wasting time on these little magazines, so thank you for your support. And you’re totally right about my wanting that “New York Times Bestselling Author” in front of my name for all of eternity. Once you have that, they can NEVER take it away. It’s like Dr., or President. Once you’ve got it, it’s there forever. Thanks for your support, as always. 🙂
@ Barbara: Tucked away beneath the shady canopy of oak trees that have lined Main Street for a hundred years, you’ll find charming respite in the cozy shop of Charlie’s Plumbing Supply … Yes, THAT Business Connection. I still have nightmares about writing it, I can only imagine your hell of having to copy edit it. Wasn’t that just awful? And you’re right, every single business was failing and I had to make it sound super fantastic and worth shopping at, even if it was the worst hell hole on the planet. We were no better than drug pushers, and we’ll probably go to hell for it.
And by the way, I keep telling my current employer that I should be the one rewriting press releases because I have so much experience at writing bullshit. But they think I’m kidding or something, because they never hire me to do it. Go figure.
LOL…a book of unresolved resolutions…I love how he said you date the lists to keep track of ’em all 🙂
And like, WHY else would anyone want to juggle other than wanting to get sharp and do taxes? Hahahaha..
PS: nothing is anything without the juice of one lime 😉
You and your boys have some pretty amazing little chats. And they transcribe so well. I loved this post! 🙂
Have to agree with the boys, the implied order in any listing of items is an artifact of the top-to-bottom-left-to-right act of reading. Maybe your doodles in the right hand margin were some kind of graphical attempt to offset the apparent ranking.
Juggling! YES. Stu is so right. (Agree with your advice to son about making a living juggling!) That could replace the yoga, the tai chi, AND the napping. So basically your resolutions 2,3, and 4 can collapse into 2- Juggling. #1 book #2 juggling #3 quit smoking (Smoking bad. Get with Buck on that.) QED 2008 good to go.
Agree with Romi about juice of 1 lime (nice saying!) … that salsa recipe sounds interesting (though I’d be adding a cup of honey and callin it chutney!) And on juggling and taxes Romi’s right again, kinda. Doing others’ taxes is just your whimsy thing, right. Funny!! I bet your book is a hoot and a half!
that had to be the funniest blog post I have ever read. Thanks for the laughs!
@ Romi – Actually, I hate taxes. I can’t even do my own. That’s why I thought maybe juggling would wake up some previously un-used part of my brain and I’d have a sudden passion for doing them. But I’ve lost interest in both taxes and juggling. But I totally agree about the lime. Everything is better with lime.
@ David – Well, I’m glad you our chat could entertain you. I think most people are horrified when they overhear us in person. I appreciate your resolution equation theory, but what no one understands is that I know the order of my resolutions, so whatever order they’re in means nothing to me. But I’ve abandoned most of them now, anway. I’ve lost interest in everthing except for finishing my book and quitting smoking. (Not that I’m actually interested in quitting smoking … but I guess I have to do it.) And the yoga, well, I’m a natural-born yogi. I do yoga without effort, it just occurs as I move and breathe. I can’t help it, I was born that way.
And the honey sounds like it would be good in the salsa, but I bet vodka would be even better.
@ Punk Rock Mom – Hi! I’m glad you stopped in, and I hope you’ll come by again. I just went over to your blog and left some child-rearing advice, which you may or may not want to consider. I really like your blog, very cool, and I’m totally hip to what you’re going through. I’d like to say it gets easier as they get older, but it just gets weirder. In my case it gets weirder anyway. I feel like, “Hey! How the hell can you be turning 21 when I’m not even 21 yet!?” But it’s all worth it, though. Very, very worth it. 🙂
OK well that sounds great. Though I was ready to recommend that Klutz book on juggling. But you probably have it already. It’s not a bad thing to lose interest easily.
You know, your photos make you look like a natural born yogi. I’ll bet you just dance your way through each day.
And I’d never heard of Anthony Bourdain either. We have BASIC cable.
Juggling’s fun. I have one piece of advice, when learning, don’t use bocci balls.
They hurt.
@ David – I’m secretly pleased you mentioned the Klutz book, as I wanted it and couldn’t remember the title. I will be juggling in secret, mark my words. And Anthony Bourdain (chef, author, and food/travel personality on TV) is considered somewhat of a turncoat in certain culinary circles for divulging restaurant secrets. But I really liked his book about Typhoid Mary and how she was patient zero for the typhoid epidemic in New York during the early 1900s. She was a cook who refused to stop working/spreading the disease. She kept changing her name and finding new employers. It was pretty fascinating.
@ Bound and Gags – Hopefully, with practice, I’ll be juggling chainsaws by the time I’m through. I’ll start with beanbags, though.
WTF? Why did I think that Typhoid Mary sold matches?
Well, David, it’s like this. At first I thought she was just someone from my father’s Big Band beepop lexicon, a fictional character like Barney Oldfield and Tokyo Rose. My father would pull her out whenever I was sick and coughing all over him: “Scram kiddo, take a powder. Hey, get a load of Typhoid Mary over here.”
I eventually found out that all these people were real, but I had no idea that Typhoid Mary invented typhoid (I’d thought she was just a girl with a cold, like me) until Anthony Bourdain wrote a book about her with a very cool cover that had eery vellum paper over a photo of T-Mary which drew me to it immediately because I always judge a book by its cover. So, kid, I ASSumed nobody else was hep to this jive and apparently I was right, because you thought she sold matches. Ha Ha (in Nelson’s voice)
Great list! At least you made some resolutions. I made none, because I never stick to them anyway. 😉
D’OH!
Hi, Brian. Yeah, I tend to make resolutions throughout the year, not just for the New Year. I actually do some of them. In the summer I had resolved not to get involved in that “Real Housewives” show and I did really well until November when they ran a marathon. Now I’ve seen every single episode and know all the characters. But at least the resolution was resolved for a little while.
David, I bought a battery operated Homer Santa that says that over and over again. Just thought you’d like to know.
Thanks Wendy. That means a lot to me. I’m pathetic. According to my Wendy anyway. She’s right. If I were a better person then I might have some self-esteem.