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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Lately, a couple friends have asked us how we “come up with this stuff” to blog about. And the answer is that we don’t actually come up with anything, I just turn a tape recorder on at some point during the day. Sunday is kind of an exception, because on Sundays I try and have a definite question that I want Buck to answer for Q&A. But I’m not a planner in the planning sense; I shoot from the hip when it comes to pretty much everything. Because of that, every now and then I tape a conversation that just isn’t suitable for print. They’re not dirty conversations, or racist or anything like that. As far at that stuff is concerned, both Buck and myself would sooner put fork to eye than listen to racist comments, or even worse, a racist “joke”. 

 No, the conversations that I find unsuitable are ones that just don’t go anywhere. Not that our conversations ever go anywhere, but some are to the Nth degree. We jump around, make insider references that no one would get, state misinformation then insist it’s fact, and I can’t even find a sound byte to end it on. They’re just interviews gone bad.

Normally I take a conversation like that and just tape over it later in the day, but this past weekend we were buried in work and time didn’t allow for a second, better discussion later on. So, to demonstrate what I’m talking about when I say how bad an interview can go, I’m blogging the following:

Without this helpful yellow circle, I would have missed ax-wielding serial killer Fritz Haarmann in this charming Christmas advent calendar offered by the Hanover, Germany, board of tourism. Here, Haarmann is pictured at his old stomping grounds along the Leine river where he dumped the bodies of the 24 boys and young men he murdered before he was caught in 1925.

 Me: I read that in Germany, an advent calendar is creating a lot of problems. The board of tourism who created the calendar included a famous serial killer in the little pictures, because he lived and killed in that town. So my question to you is, how much time must pass before a murderer can become a national treasure? At what point in time is all forgiven and it’s okay — and smart business sense, even  — to embrace a killer’s path as a tourist destination?

Buck: [sighs deeply] Is this your topic?

Me: Kind of. Yeah. What do you think of tourism people embracing killers and their crime scenes?

Buck: Well, people go to Nicole Simpson’s house, they go to OJ’s house. There are bus tours, and people like to get photographed there, so I guess there’s a call for it and there are good parts to it. Unless you’re a neighbor.

Me: There are no good parts to it.

Buck: Well, what’s your question? I don’t understand what you’re angling at.

Me: [laughing] I’m not angling for anything. I thought I thought …

Buck: What did you think?

Me: I don’t know. I guess I saw that advent calendar and it made me think of the Jack the Ripper tours in England —

Buck: Well this topic … is kinda weird. You know?

Me: Yeah. I agree, it’s weird. And probably in poor taste even for us.

Buck: [in stupidly high voice meant to be mine] Do YOU have an opinion whether it’s good to have a killer on your town Christmas card?

Me: [laughing] That wasn’t even my question. [laughing]

Buck: [laughing] Oh. My mistake I guess. What was your question?

Me: Oh, God.

Buck: Did you think this murderer Christmas card thing was lighthearted? Because it’s not. It’s a downer, not to mention weird. And not weird in a good way.

Me: [laughing] I suppose I could do a different topic.

Buck: Oh, I think we should continue with this one. This one’s really going places. Plus, it will help to alienate all the people whom we haven’t alienated yet. 

Me: [laughing]

Buck: Another good thing about it, is that you haven’t used the fuck-word in your blog lately so maybe you could refer to it as the fucking advent calendar

Me: [laughing]

Buck: — which will keep you in good standing with that subversive  sub-culture you’ve joined where you’ve all taken a vow to use swear words in your posts. You’ve probably been kicked out by now.

Me: I was never part of that thing and they are not a weird sub-culture. They’re linguists for crying out loud. LINGUISTS. And I was never part of it. I just happened to read about it. Not that I’m against it, it’s just that I don’t go out of my way to swear for shock value. I just swear when I swear, but like everything else I’m pretty lazy about it, so I couldn’t have participated even if I’d been asked to.  

Buck: That’s true.

Me: But this whole interview has taken a weird turn because I was talking about murders in history and how tourism is exploiting the whole thing, and you brought up a recent killer who’s still on the loose playing golf and robbing people at gunpoint and whatnot.

Buck: [laughing] What’s the difference?

Me: WELL THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING. Is there a difference? Is it acceptable to  embrace murderers after a certain amount of time goes by? Ten years? A hundred years?

Buck: I think the old ones are more boring. Most of them, anyway.

Me: I don’t think that one murder story is more boring than another. Old murders aren’t more boring  —

Buck: They were. There was no DNA, no photos. Murderers could be anybody. YOU could have been a serial killer —

Me: I could have never been a serial killer —

Buck: No, what I’m saying is that anybody could have committed the crimes because getting away with it was easier before all the new technology —

Me: I can’t get into this now. Never mind.

Buck: All I’m saying is that the old killers are boring because killing back then wasn’t that hard. I mean, Lizzie Borden kills her fa–

Me: HEY! Lizzie Borden is totally off-limits here. Don’t even go there. I’ve read a lot about the case, watched all the forensic documentaries AND the Elizabeth Montgomery movie, and I believe the theory that Mr. Borden had a history of sexually abusing Lizzie and her sister and Lizzie had had enough. So, given the era and the circumstances, given her history prior to the crime and after I can’t fault Lizzie Borden for what I believe was an act of rage and desperation. So leave Lizzie out of this. 

Buck: God. Elizabeth Montgomery must have been very powerful in that roll for you to feel so strongly she must have done a helluva job —

Me: [laughing] Shut up. [laughing]Elizabeth Montgomery was not the deciding factor, although it was fascinating the way they said Lizzie did the whole thing naked, which is why there were no bloody clothes or shoes —

Buck: I think you believe Elizabeth Montgomery was Lizzie Borden.

Me: She did do a great job and I liked having it all put into perspective that way. The timeline, the trial. I welcomed that movie after hearing the Lizzie Borden song my whole life, and having Fall River and Lizzie Borden become synonymous —

Buck: Synonymous for you. I don’t think of Lizzie Borden when I think of Fall River.

Me: I hate this conversation. And my mail box is full of stuff I haven’t even opened. Seriously. It’s FULL. I have 175 unopened emails, and the thought of them makes me very tired. I don’t even think there’s any spam or stupid chain letters in there. That’s weird isn’t it, wishing half my mail was spam and chain letters? And I’m hungry. I need something to eat.

Buck: I’m gonna go get the M&M bag. I need some M&Ms after this conversation.

Me: What conversation? I don’t even know what this was, but I have to post it anyway.

Buck: Why?

Me: I don’t know.

Thanks again for the ashtray from Hawaii, Gail. I love it.

_________________________________

Links:

Lizzie Borden B&B in Fall River.

London Times: German Calendar Reminds Children of Serial Killer

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This poem is from the collection titled My Old Job. As always, I wrote it somewhere between 1990-1992. Staff meetings were new to me then, and I thought there was something wrong in the way our meetings turned out. As I became more experienced I realized that all staff meetings everywhere go like this.

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Every day is Groundhog Day here in El Paso.  Wednesday, Saturday, what’s the difference?

This week’s post for Poetry Wednesday is a poem I wrote in 1990.

when i go home

whenever

i go back to my hometown

to visit my family

i always refuse

to go out for coffee

or dinner

or to the supermarket

because i just know

that if i do

number one: my family

will get money out of me

and number two: i’ll see

somebody i grew up with

or worked with

or something

and then i’ll have to quickly

turn my head

and pretend i never saw them

 

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A Warning: Don’t Do It

NEVER do this, man, never keep “like tubes” in a little pile on your vanity table like this:

My lips are so freaking numb right now, I can’t even talk.

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Buck refers to himself as my “advance scout.”

Me: There’s something wrong with my leg and I’d like to know what it is. It’s my leg, but it’s in the front. Is that still your thigh if it’s in the front? And the pain is actually in the part where my leg meets … what is this? My hip? Is this my hip?

Buck: Why are you recording this? Will there be some sort of malpractice suit involved if I don’t —

Me: I’m just sort of recording everything today —

Buck: Sort of?

Me: Well, yeah, sort of because I’ve had the tape recorder on half the time and off half the time —

Buck: What the hell for?

Me: Because I really wanted to post something on my blog but you haven’t been all that interesting so far today … I’m sorta hoping that at some point you’ll say something I can use.

Buck: So … what’s your problem exactly?

Me: Well for the last year, or maybe the last two years … I really don’t know how long it’s been going on … but for a rather long time now, I’ve had this searing pain that starts around my knee and shoots straight up to what I believe is my hip. It doesn’t last long, a single shocking moment maybe, but it’s been occurring for a long time now.

Buck: Well, that’s not just a pain. It’s a condition. You’re at that age now —

Me: I’m only 47. In the school of the elderly, I’m like a first grader. A tyke. I’m a little squirt. Basically, I’m a rug rat.

Buck — when the revelation hits you that you’ve got these pains and problems you’ve been living with and now they’re an actual condition. You’re there.

Me: I don’t really know what you mean by condition … well, [laughing] I sort of do because I remember old people in my family having all these conditions and afflictions …

Buck: Yeah. [laughing] That’s what I’m telling ya. I finally understand it all now. Because I’ve got these things, these aches and pains that don’t go away anymore. And that’s it. They’re here for life.

Me: [laughing] [laughing [laughing]

Buck: [laughing] For instance, if you had an eye fluttering problem that didn’t go away, that would be a condition.

Me: An eye condition.

Buck: Yeah.

Me: Well as a matter of fact, I do have an eye condition now, but it’s not a fluttering. It’s a sensitivity condition from that sty I had. The sty left a scar, and where the scar is, no eyelash is growing and it’s rather sensitive when I rub my eyes really hard and I have to be careful.

Buck: See? You have an eye condition. I thought you had a foot condition?

Me: No. Well, yeah, I kinda do have a foot condition from when I broke my foot a few years ago. Ever since that break, my foot hasn’t ever been right. It aches sometimes Other times it doesn’t want me to stand on it.

Buck: See?

Me: But to hell with the eye condition and my foot condition. What about my leg condition? What about my searing leg pain that shoots up to my hip?

Buck: Have I ever told you about the time —

Me: Ugh. [laughing] I’m sorry. Go on. Please go on —

Buck: Yeah, that’s right, I happen to have a story to illustrate this condition you have. I know you think I’m like bad grammar school public service filmstrip —

Me: [laughing] Oh my god, it’s funny because it’s true. [laughing] You are like one of those. [laughing]

Buck: Brought to you today by The Bell System.

Me: So go on and tell me a horror story about my condition or whatever.

Buck: Well I’m just reminded of this story because you said you had the hip problem, and then you had the foot problem, and they’re on the same leg.

Me: Yeah, so what?

Buck: Well, what I was gonna tell you is that the guy who used to come in the bike shop … the one who owned the junk yard? What the hell was his name?

Me: I have no idea who you’re dredging up.

Buck: WHAT was his name?! I really liked him.

Me: Well that narrows it down … now we’re really cookin’ with gas.

Buck: Shit … what was his name? He bought a high-end Cannondale —

Me: I can’t actually print his name, anyway.

Buck:

Me: …

Buck: Was his name … no, that’s not it.

Me: Did I tell you I wanna get a video camera so I can have my own show on YouTube? I’d like one for my birthday. My show’s gonna be called Help! I’m In El Paso! and I’m gonna do little five-minute tours of El Paso. I figure you can be my camera man, and Raging Storm, and we’ll drive around El Paso to film me. I’m gonna start at the Chinese food buffet that I like so much, the one in the strip mall. And then I’ll film a quick tour of the cemetery.

Buck: [pauses] He was one of a bunch of brothers who owned a junk yard in Middleboro.

Me: Did you hear me? I want my own travel show.

Buck: Well the guy looked good, was in great shape. Nicest guy in the world. Just a nice, nice guy. He was probably in his sixties at that point but he looked like he was 45. He rode his bike and it was strange that he came in the shop, because I used to go to his junk yard when I was in high school and college. He used to sell us really good parts for our little foreign cars. He was very fair, and very nice to us even though we were hippies back then. Because a lot of people wouldn’t even deal with us.

Me:  My leg condition is flaring up.

Buck: Anyway. He came in the bike shop one day and said he was having to get his hip replaced. And what he’d done was broken a toe when he was younger, and the broken toe caused him to walk not correctly  …

Me: Yeah?

Buck:and it wore out his hip.

Me: Oh god. Jeezus. Why are you telling me this? Because I have that foot condition from when I broke it, and it’s probably causing my leg condition? … But I don’t actually have a hip problem, though.

Buck: Sounds like it to me.

Me: What? That I’ve worn out my hip?

Buck: Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is.

Me: You’re just saying that.

Buck: I am saying it. I think that’s it. Please don’t block the TV. This is the craziest James Cagney movie I’ve ever seen, he’s in a gun fight out in the woods. So what else ya got?

Me: I have what I believe to be bursitis in my shoulder.

Buck: I’ve heard you mention that. You’ve been saying that a lot to try and get my attention.

Me: Wha …  I have not been trying to get your attention.

Buck: Yes you have.

Me: It’s not to get your attention!

Buck: Yes it is. You’ve been working it to get attention. Otherwise why would you bring it up?

Me: Because it hurts!

Buck: What the hell is it? How do you know you have it?

Me: I can’t explain it, but I feel it and I know I have it.

Buck: How do you know what it is? Because other people who claim to have it have described this condition to you?

Me: My fucking father had it, okay? And he had it in his shoulder and I have it my shoulder also!

Buck: I’ve got it in my shoulder.

Me: You’re just trying to get my attention.

Buck: Well obviously. [laughing] That’s why I’ve got this broken collarbone sticking out of my neck area, to try and attract people with my CALCIUM KEYHOLDER.

Me: A keyholder?

Buck: Yeah, you can hang keys on it.

Me: Oh god, get that bone away from me I used to have a jaw condition, that but cleared up. I think I must have been clenching my teeth in my sleep.

Buck: So how many conditions have you got right now?

Me: I’ve got my foot, leg, and possibly my hip condition —

Buck: That’s three.

Me: — and I’ve got my eye condition.

Buck: That’s four.

Me: And that’s it.

Buck: What about the bursitis?

Me: It’s not bothering me now. Ever since I stopped leaving the house so much, and stopped carrying a pocketbook on my shoulder, it’s seemed to clear up. My pocketbooks were too heavy.

Buck: Why didn’t you just leave the house with your shopping cart?

Me: Well I couldn’t do THAT now could I? You wouldn’t let me keep that shopping cart, if you recall. I recall you were a real jerk about it.

Buck: You wanted all shopping carts in the driveway —

Me: NO. I WANTED ONE SHOPPING CART THAT SOMEBODY LEFT OUT ON THE SIDEWALK —

Buck: Yeah, you wanted to bring it in the house.

Me: I did not want to bring it in, I wanted to bring it just as far as the door. I wanted to wheel it up to the door to transport my groceries from the truck to the kitchen with as little effort as possible! What the hell is the problem with that?!

Buck: That’s the trouble, though. [laughing] Then, there’d be a second shopping cart for transporting laundry out to the laundry room —

Me: That’s a good idea, but I just wanted the one shopping cart. And you were such a jerk about it, some kids ended up tossing it into the arroyo out back! Now it’s dented and there’s lizards all over it and I don’t want it anymore. So I lost the only chance I’ll ever have to own my own fucking shopping cart.

Buck: You wouldn’t have stopped with one, I know you. [laughing] You’d have them all over the place. You’d be transporting groceries, and laundry, dogs, the mail … you’d be using it to transport our dinner dishes from the table to the sink —

Me: [laughing] Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up shut up. This conversation is over! My leg condition has flared up, thank you very much, and now I have to drag my leg behind me all the way into bed and take some ibuprofen.

Buck: Well now I do feel bad. [laughing] If we had that shopping cart I could transport you over to the medicine cabinet.

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This Meme Really Worked Out For Me

Moonbeam McQueen tagged me for this fun meme called What’s In A Name? You combine things to come up with your name for various occupations. It’s fun to do, but I haven’t tagged anyone because I just tagged everybody last week and asked them to show us the contents of their refrigerator, and I believe they’re still recovering. You don’t need to be a blogger to do this and the results are, as I keep saying, fun. I can’t really expect your results to come out as eerily awesome as mine did, but you can try. But I will warn you, this meme really worked out for me.

1. My rock star name (first pet and current car)

              Heidi Ram

Wow, yeah, I know …  a totally rockin’ name! Absolutely bitchin! My car is a truck, so that helped to up the cool factor.

2. My gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor and cookie)

                Vanilla Milano

Okay, I know that one sounds a little weird in a racial sort of way, or even a tad mobster-ish, but my favorite ice cream really is vanilla, and my favorite cookie is Pepperidge Farm Milano.

3. My fly girl name (first letter of first name, first three letters of last name)

                               W-Man

WTF is that one? It’s like the fly in the ointment that is this meme. If I was a fly girl on In Living Color — and that’s what I think of when I think of fly girls — I’d run home and cry. 

4. My detective name (favorite color, favorite animal)

                            Periwinkle Dog
But you can call me Peri even if I am a dog … and a detective. And that’s what I’d be, a dog/detective. Hey, if this is a fantasy I can be whatever the hell I want, so suck it.

5. My soap opera name (middle name, city of birth)
                                                              Jane Boston

I don’t really have a comment about that one because it sounds so much like a soap opera character and I’d like to use it should I ever write for a soap opera.

6. My Star Wars name (first three letters of your last name, first two of your first name)
                         MANWE

Oh my god! Wow! That really sounds like a Star Wars character! And if I ever write a Star Wars episode for some dweeby fanboy site, I will totally use that name. I may assign it to a wookie’s boyfriend from another galaxy.

7. My superhero name (second favorite color, favorite drink, add “the”)
                                      The Green Bastard

Okay, so I improvised on this one. I don’t drink Dying Bastards (anymore) and green is only my second favorite color. But it sounded a helluva lot better for a superhero name than “The Periwinkle Cola.”

8. My NASCAR name (first two names of my two grandfathers)

                                    Walter Thomas

See? I told you this meme worked out great for me. If this doesn’t sound like a NASCAR driver … I’ll throw my helmet down on the track and kick my tires.

9. My stripper name (favorite perfume, favorite sweet)
                                Jessica Cupcakes

See what I’m saying? SEE?

10. My witness protection name (mother’s and father’s middle names)
                                Isabelle Channing

If I have to go into hiding, at least I sound classy.

11. My weather anchor name (fifth grade teacher’s name, a major city beginning with the same letter)
                                      Debbie Detroit

Is that a weather girl’s name or what? Hey, can I get a prize for this meme?

12. My spy name (favorite season/flower) 
                                  Autumn Nightshade

I can’t help it that I’m a gardener and I know better flowers than non-gardeners. Don’t hate me because I’m a gardener. Don’t be a hater, man.

13. Cartoon name (favorite fruit plus garment you’re wearing, with an “ie” or “y” added)
                                          Blueberry Pajamy 

I had to play with the spelling, but it totally counts and I rule this game!

14. Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast plus favorite tree) 
                              Life Beechwood

I know I promised a lot of people I’d be eating oatmeal and flax this morning, but I’m a cereal junkie and we junkies have a hard time. Especially about giving up Life because it’s so extremely delicious, more delicious than other cereals. Tomorrow: oatmeal and flax. I promise.

15. Your rock band tour name (favorite hobby plus weather element, with “the”)
                                 The Smoking Sunshine

This band sounds a little dated, but smoking really is my favorite hobby, and who doesn’t love sunshine? Especially the kind you can smoke? And it’s much healthier than sunshine in a bag, for crying out loud. (Google lyrics to Gorillaz song “Clint Eastwood” for obscure reference.)

16: Blues singer name (a disability, a fruit or vegetable, and a president)

                                  Tourette  Pea Kennedy

Generally, I writes it as Tourette P. Kennedy, but you cats ‘n kittens can call me TP if you be feelin’ it.

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Buck, going over my list of resolutions for 2008

 

Me: Just because your goals for the coming year involve gallivanting to far away places like you’re Anthony-Fucking-Bourdain doesn’t mean that mine have to —

Buck: Max, do you like Anthony Bourdain?

Max: I have mixed feelings about him. I’d like to punch him in the stomach while I’m shaking his hand.

Me: HEY. We’re talking about me here, not Anthony Bourdain … and for the life of me I cannot understand why you didn’t like Kitchen Confidential.

Max: He blew up everybody’s spot.

Me: What does that mean?

Max: He sold out. The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club.

Me: Sam, do you like Anthony Bourdain?

Sam: I don’t even know who Anthony Bourdain is.  Was he in Fight Club? I don’t remember him. Is that his real name or his character’s name?

Me: What I want to know is, what in the name of sweet Jesus is so funny about my New Year Resolutions?

Buck: Well, for starters, they’re written on the back of a torn recipe for something called Kerin’s Salsa.

Me: [laughing] What the hell does it matter what they’re written on?

Buck: I’ve seen this recipe floating around for days. I was waiting for the salsa to show up. Mango, avocado, onions, cilantro, cucumber, and THE JUICE OF ONE LIME. 

Me: Sounds delicious. I am going to make it.

Buck: I don’t think it will take you very long.

Me: I have to purchase the ingredients first, which will require leaving the house. But what the hell does the recipe have to do with my resolutions? Why are you laughing at my life plans for a great ’08?

Buck: You’ve already got a lot of stuff from ’07 you haven’t done yet, and ’06.

Me: [laughing]

Buck: I’ve got a list of all the stuff you haven’t done yet

Me: What?! What the hell is wrong with you? [laughing]

Buck:[laughing] — and now you’re adding more.

Me: Why are you keeping a list of what I haven’t done?

Buck: [laughing] Because you’re always bringing up these lists all the time.

Me: It’s true. [laughing] I tend to do that. But I need the lists so I won’t forget.

Buck: Well don’t worry, I won’t. I mean, look at this one … 2008. Why did you write that at the top? So you’d remember which year’s list this was? You’ve probably got a book of your lists of resolutions. [In falsetto meant to be my voice] I think I’ll just publish all my resolutions. Nobody’s ever done THAT before!

Me: I’m not opposed to that idea.

Buck: And in each chapter you could explain why each resolution is un-resolved.

Me: [laughing] Except for the fact I don’t actually have these lists of un-resolved resolutions you claim I have. But I do have a reason why each one has remained un-resolved … thus far, anyway.

Buck: I’m sure you do. Maybe part of the problem can be traced back to 2005 when your resolution was to nap more

Me: Actually, that’s not as outlandish as it sounds —

Buck: Oh, I didn’t think it was outlandish at all —

Me: — because part of my resolution for 2008 is to nap better. I just haven’t put it on the list yet.

Buck: Quick, where’s a pen —

Me: I nap enough, I just don’t nap well. I start to fall asleep but then I wake right up and that sends me into a RAGE, which sort of defeats the whole purpose of a nap in the first place.

Buck: Okay [starts writing] nap well. It’s at the bottom of your list, though.

Me: Jeezus. I keep telling you this.THESE ENTRIES ARE NOT WRITTEN ACCORDING TO THE ORDER OF IMPORTANCE.

Buck: Well it’s written that way according to the reader. And Max agrees with me.

Me: Leave him out of this. If you weren’t reading my list of resolutions and laughing about them, I wouldn’t have been forced to put the numeral one next to my number two item

Buck: Yeah, you put it in afterwards, otherwise we never would have gotten that.

Me: You weren’t supposed to get it. They’re my resolutions. My being the operative word —

Buck: But when somebody sees that the first thing on the list is to juggle … well, this is only gonna get stupider.

Me: No. No. Juggling is not stupid.

Buck: There is no good reason to juggle.

Me: There is a good reason —

Buck: You’re too old to join the carnival.

Me: I’m not doing it for carnival purposes, I’m doing it to exercise my brain. I figure if I go into old age as a juggler, my brain will be sharp. Sharper than it is now.

Max: But you always said anybody who juggles is an asshole.

Me: No, what I said was, anybody who juggles professionally is an asshole. But I didn’t really mean it,  I was just trying to encourage you to aim higher … for something that pays better.

Max: I was eight-years-old.

Me: Well it worked, didn’t it? If I hadn’t planted that in your head just think what you’d be making right now … just think what you’d be earning if you were a juggler! ….. You should thank me.

Buck: Watching somebody juggle is like watching somebody whistle.

Me: [laughing] I’m not doing it for you to watch me, I’m doing it alone … in private.

Buck: If a woman juggles in the forest …

Me: You won’t be laughing when after a year of juggling I’m suddenly able to do people’s taxes —

Buck: I’ve never heard you mention a desire to do people’s taxes.

Me: I never have mentioned it. I’m just saying that’s how sharp I’ll be. I used to juggle, don’t you remember? You used to coach me on it. Don’t you remember?

Buck: Absolutely not.

Me: See? You should be juggling.

Max and Sam: [laughing]

Buck: Yeah, then I can be as sharp as a carny. I’ll be wanting to leave town, to get my ring toss set up.

Me: [laughing]

Buck: Anyway. You’ve got juggling as your first resolution. No one will even pay attention to the second one because they’ll be laughing so hard at the first one —

Me: These are my resolutions. They’re not for publication. I’m not getting paid for writing these –

Buck: Well, normally when somebody writes a list, their top priority goes first, but you’ve got finishing your book right below juggling

Me: No. Finishing my book is number one —

Buck: But I’d never know that without your number here —

Me: I had to add the numeral because you were making such a big deal —

Buck: And you’ve got buy a sewing a machine … make pants. It sounds like you’re going around pantless.

Me: No. I want to make a bunch of silk harem pants. I’m going to develop my own fashion style.

Buck: My god …you already have your own fashion style.

Me: So? I’m adding harem pants, what’s so odd about that?

Buck: Okay. I’ll add that for you. Develop. My. Own. Fashion. Style. But number four is quit smoking. That’s not very high on your list.

Me: It’s not.

Buck: So we should just cross that off altogether.

Me: I’m going to do it, but not till I get around to it.

Buck: I’m crossing it off.

Me: Well go ahead, but I will quit smoking when I get around to it. It takes devotion, you know.

Buck: Yeah, I know. I quit smoking EIGHT WEEKS AGO.

Me: You’re doing great! I’m so proud of you.

Buck: What is this paint some portraits?

Me: I’m going to paint some portraits in 2008.

Buck: Of who?

Me: Who do you think? You, of course.

Buck: What will be your medium?

Me: Oils or acrylics. I haven’t decided yet.

Buck: Listen, listen. You need to finish your book. All these things you’ve got on this list, these are all things that keep you away from what you love best and what you’re supposed to be doing, your writing.

Me: I know. It’s awful, I know. I just … I don’t know. I just …

Buck: Put the juggling aside, put the harem pants aside, forget the portraits of me, and just sit down at the computer and write.

Me: You’re right.

Buck: Of course I’m right. Forget all the other crap on that list except for finishing your book. And the quit smoking part. You still have to do that.

Me: I know. How hateful. I hate quitting smoking.

Buck: I’m with you on that one, baby. That’s why I’m  your advance scout.

 

Links: Juggling Makes Your Brain Bigger

BrainReady Recommends Juggling

Sew Harem Pants

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