I like this picture because it appears that the Bigfoot is heading right for Stella, and I laugh because were that truly the case, Bigfoot has no idea what he’s up against. He’d lose in an encounter with her. She’s small, but when she’s angry she’s like those vicious little fish in the Amazon — and I don’t mean piranha. They’re some sort of little urinary tract fish. Being that she’s like one of those, Buck has nothing to fear.
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In Coast to Coast-Part One, I left off at the part where we came to the conclusion that Art Bell and Father Malachi Martin were nothing like Frost and Nixon.
Me: Father Malachi told Art Bell that he performed thousands of minor exorcisms in his career, usually hundreds of them each year, and a few hundred major exorcisms while he was at the Vatican.
Buck: Did you know there are two kinds of exorcisms? The ones that only priests can attend, and ones that anyone can go to like a boxing match?
Me: Well …. no, I’m embarrassed to say I did not know that. But your boxing match comparison was excellent, seeing that my favorite scene in The Exorcist is when Father Karras goes at Linda Blair like Marvin Hagler. It’s something you want him to do, you’re like, Thank you Jesus for having your priest beat up that little devil child, and you wish he’d done it earlier in the film. Or constantly throughout the film, actually. It’s THAT satisfying. I never tire of seeing it.
Buck: I’ve never seen The Exorcist.
Me: A wise thing on your part. You wouldn’t like it. I do, of course, but that’s me. Especially the beating up scene … I like to imagine that all exorcisms end the way that one did. Our exorcism kit, which Max has confiscated, is fully loaded with —
Buck: We don’t have an exorcism kit. It’s an Extreme Unction kit.
Me: Well, Barbara has a similar kit and I’m almost positive she can perform an exorcism with it. I call it the exorcism kit.
Buck: [laughing] I know you do, but that’s because you’re a heathen and not a Catholic. Barbara has an Extreme Unction kit.
Me: Hers is unbelievable, whatever the hell it is. It’s way better than ours. Hers is this gigantic framed-like … box on the wall. It’s very elaborate and beautiful, and you can open it up and see the secret kit and it’s so much more technical than ours. Ours is like a guerilla kit, for performing exorcisms and Extreme Unction on the fly with whatever’s available —
Buck: Barbara’s is … she has too many options. All you need is … well, what the basic kit is, is Holy Water, a cross, and I think a candle.
Me: Not Barbara’s. Her kit has a lot of other much cooler stuff. She’s got a scarf in there that you can put on like a priest. And it’s probably got a wooden stake in it, too, but I can’t fully remember —
Buck: Yeah, I know it’s probably got all that stuff, but that’s all smoke and mirrors.
Me: Are you crazy? It’s all smoke and mirrors! Catholicism is all smoke and mirrors!
Buck: These kits are only for dying and baptizing non-Catholics. And you can only do it in extreme cases, that’s the only time non-priests have The Power. Personally, I’ve only done it five or six times. And I still don’t even know if it took.
Me: Do you mean to tell me that if we were in need of an emergency exorcism you couldn’t grab that kit and somehow improvise?
Buck: No.
Me: Break the glass?
Buck: NO. The only thing you could do is throw holy water at the vampire or whatever it is that you think you need protection from.
Me: Well this is just awful. What’s the point of being Catholic?
Buck: What floored me about Holy Water when I was an altar boy at St. Joe’s church, is that they kept it out back in one of those big corrugated construction site Arctic Coolers. It had HOLY WATER scrawled-painted on it. [laughing]
Me: [laughing] Like a trash can?
Buck: It was very strange because it was in the secret passageway behind the altar.
Me: The secret lives of altar boys.
Buck: When you went back there they’d tell you, Go fill up the Holy Water bowls, and you’d have to go back there and get it out of this Arctic Cooler.
Me: Did you feel like you were handling nuclear waste?
Buck: No, no, no, it felt like you were handling Kool-Aid.
Me: Were you ever tempted to stick your whole head in it?
Buck: No. But compared to everything else in the church, which was gold or silver or something, this aluminum thing hidden away was so practical it didn’t make sense. For Holy Water? You’d think there would have been a couple of jewels on it. A touch of gold, at least. Plus, I think the only reason they bothered labeling it was so you wouldn’t drink it.
Me: I would have drank it.
Buck: Yep. You woulda.
Me: But getting back to George Noory. I wonder where it’s all going? Because he can’t really continue like this, this new timidity that’s taken over his personality is quite disturbing. AND his willingness to be a doormat for authors just sucks.
Buck: No, the whole thing is in a little disarray, because when Art Bell was on, even just for weekends, that kept George in check. Even though George was then the big cheese on the show, he had to always somehow suck up or defer to Art. But now, with Art busy having children and all, it’s a very different world.
Me: I don’t know what the future of the show is. I don’t think it’s going to leave, but I think Art will have to do something about George’s sissy fears, and his insistence on letting authors plug their books without parting with any juicy information. I haven’t heard back yet on the email I sent the producer last week.
Dear C2C,
I’d really like to see Ghost Whisperer-inspiration Mary Ann Winkowsky as a guest. On Halloween night she was a guest on another radio show and she went into GREAT detail about what she does, and she also told good anecdotes. Although I love George Noory, lately his guests have all been authors and they don’t reveal anything because they’re trying to sell books. And George isn’t getting anything out of them! It’s disappointing to hear guests come out with 50 different ways to say “You’ll have to buy my book to find that out…” and “If you buy my book, you’ll see that …”All they want is to plug their book.
Hey, I’m not putting authors down. I’m a big reader. I’M PRO-READING! But c’mon, you’re on the Coast to Coast talk show so either say something or stick to the lonely table at your Barnes & Noble book signings. Art (and the old George, also) always got these people to talk in the past but ever since Art left, these author-guests don’t want to part with any information. They’re running amok, is what’s happening. If I can see it, well, certainly you’re seeing it.
I know Winkowski has a book out, but she didn’t act like it on Halloween when she was on another show. On that show she answered all the host’s questions without giving him the runaround. If she gets on C2C and acts like all of George’s other guests, refusing to divulge how she deals with ghosts etc., I will be disgusted. DISGUSTED. Because if that’s the case, I’ll have to wonder if word is out that George is becoming soft as an interviewer, and they’re all rushing to take advantage of him. And he’s a 3 TIME EMMY WINNER! What’s happening?
George mentioned last week that Winkowski would be a guest on C2C “very soon” but I’ve been checking the schedule every day and don’t see her name listed.
Thanks for your time.
Sincerely,
Buck: Well if I recall, you were kind of hard on George in that email.
Me: I don’t want to be hard on George, but Jeezus. I don’t want to see him being scared of his own shadow and getting walked on night after night by authors whose books are in the markdown bin at K-Mart. I just want the old George back, that’s all. And quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing about Iraq at the top of the show. I get my Iraq news elsewhere, and I don’t want to get it from Coast to Coast.
Buck: Yeah, it would be good if they’d just dive into the subject.
Me: YES. As a matter of fact … we’re done here. I gotta write another email to the producer before I take my nap. Otherwise I won’t get a wink of rest.
We want the old George back.
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Links:
- YouTube of Father Malachi Martin and Art Bell. Personally, I love this YouTuber’s creative use of video.
- George’s page at Coast to Coast.
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Technorati Tags: Humor, Life With Buck, Coast to Coast AM, The Exorcist, Father Malachi Martin, Mary Ann Winkowski, Ghost Whisperer, Art Bell, radio talk shows, Holy Water, Extreme Unction
Where Have All The Aliens Gone?
Posted in Complaints, Shadow People, UFOs, tagged Aliens, Commentary, Entertainment, Radio on December 6, 2007| 10 Comments »
Dear George Noory,
Where the hell are the aliens? The Shadow People? The cryptozoologists? The ghost hunters and remote viewers? The exorcists?
Let me say right up front that I love you and I truly mean you no disrespect here. But what was up with that “Taxation Special” you had Sunday night?
I didn’t like it.
I’m not going to go totally off on you about this because I know you’re already taking a wicked savage and brutal beating on the forums and message boards lately. But really, a four-hour “Taxation Special”? Great Zeus, man, what were you thinking? That’s not a topic for Coast to Coast! A Louisiana lawyer talking about his tax evasion case? And geez …. do you really need me to tell you that “Former IRS Special Agent Joe Banister” is a boring guest?
Jeezus. Your tax special actually woke me up at 3 AM last night when it sunk into my sleeping brain that some former IRS examiner was talking about how she stopped filing taxes in 1999 because there is no law requiring anyone to actually pay them. NOT ONCE DID SHE MENTION BEING ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!
Why was this garbage on the radio in the middle of the night? I’m not looking to think at that hour, George, I’m looking for something to take my mind off of stuff like that. And here you are piping it into my brain. No law requiring people to pay taxes? If that doesn’t wake you up and get your brain going I don’t know what will.
The only reason I was able to get back to sleep was because the next show on my C2C playlist came up quickly, and it was the Saturday night show where Ian Punnett interviewed people about having sex with robots. Thank God for Ian. Because that’s what it’s come to, man. I’m now having to look to Ian for my bedtime stories. Ian is getting all the cool guests now, have you noticed that?
I mean, a couple weeks ago you had that “Secret Door IV” special where your first guest was financial advisor Howard Ruff discussing sub-prime mortgage rates. Does that sound like something you’d want to listen to as you’re trying to drift off to sleep?
You’re committing professional suicide and I’m scared for you. What is going on?
I’m not looking for Art Bell; you and Art do indeed have “different styles” as you’re always pointing out to certain rude callers, and that’s cool. That’s fine. I’m not looking for Art. But I am looking for George Noory! Have you seen him? Where did he go? Who is this guy who comes on every night claiming to be you? Who is this guy who ran a show devoted to the oil crises?
Now, tonight, I see that one of your scheduled guests is an aerospace engineer who will be laying out a strategy to cut our dependence on foreign oil. You’re killing me, George.
Unless this guy’s strategy includes a dozen or more Shadow People who will harness the power of Big Foot to mine a distant planet for all the oil that’s being hoarded by the Grays … I will be pissed.
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Technorati Tags: Coast to Coast, George Noory, Ian Punnett, Art Bell, cryptozoology, Shadow People, aliens, talk radio, ghost hunters, remote viewing, exorcists
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