Well it took a lot of research but I finally found her, thank heavens. Here she is: Saint Applencia, the Patron Saint of Small Kitchen Appliances.
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Technorati Tags: patron saints, saint of kitchen appliances
December 29, 2007 by Wendy
Well it took a lot of research but I finally found her, thank heavens. Here she is: Saint Applencia, the Patron Saint of Small Kitchen Appliances.
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Posted in Catholicism, Weird | Tagged Cooking, humor, kitchen appliances | 29 Comments
Where on earth do you think of this stuff? You are hilarious. Both you and Moonbeam. Love it!
@ Little Miss – I’m glad you like St. Applencia. Buck saw it and thought I should have told the story of how she became a saint, but I thought it was just too horryfing and upsetting. After all, small children read this blog.
Okay, that “small children” thing was a lie.
She’s beautiful. I will start praying to her immediately. It’s Sarah’s birthday on New Year’s Eve and she wants a small appliance for her birthday. Sarah wants a KitchenAid KSM150PSWH Artisan Series 5-Quart Mixer, White. I’ve included the model number so St. Applencia will know precisely what I’m talking about. Now my question is: I am scouting around for one, can I pray for good discounts or can I only pray that it lasts at least through the warranty? Or can I pray that it lasts past the warranty? This thing is not cheap for a small appliance. I can’t even imagine what she is going to mix with it because I do all the cooking. I know I won’t use it because I won’t want to clean it. Maybe I should just pray that I don’t find one.
@ Joan – I think you should definitely pray to St. Applencia that she guides you to a good one. In the meanwhile, I’ll offer my two-cents by saying I actually have that mixer (white) and have been using it without any problems for years and years. I truly love the thing. Two years ago I bought two of them, one for Cody and one for Max (who’s in his third year of culinary school) and they’ve had no problems. Cody even uses the pasta-making attachment. I’m wondering if the “KitchenAid KSM150PSWH Artisan Series 5-Quart Mixer” is perhaps one of St. Applencia’s pet projects that come complete with a permanent blessing? Or are all blessings permanent? You’re the Catholic, you tell me. Hey, would it be possible to get you and Barbara to write a post called “Ask A Catholic”? I have several questions, and Buck gets tired of answering them.
Sorry … I’m always requesting people to write specific posts just for me; witness Curious C’s post at Idea Jump http://ideajump.wordpress.com/2007/12/26/the-christmas-goose/ I’m really grateful to her for doing it, because now cooking a goose is on my must-do list for 2008.
Wow, you are a photoshopping goddess as well as creator of saints! NICE!!
She looks like a relative of moonbeam’s. I’m so happy that toy appliances come under her umbrella too. I’m sure that the Pope’s kitchen staff is breathing easier thanks to your work Wendy! Blessings unto you my child. You must email George Noory right away!
@ David – Oh. My. God. You don’t really think that’s photoshopped, do you? I took that photo last night out my kitchen window! Isn’t she outside your window, or is it just mine?
No, seriously, thank you. I spent like an hour on it, so I appreciate the appreciation. And you know what? George Noory probably would like it, I should email it to him and tell him I took it outside my window. Everybody else on his site gets photos published. Have you listened to George Noory yet? Want to read something funny? Go to this thread on the official “George Noory Sucks Blog”: http://www.godlikeproductions.com/forum1/message473511/pg1
Soooo beautiful! Now you need a St. Applencia candle, medallion, and a statue for your counter top.
Barbara is the real expert and she’d never write a post but I would and we could call it “Ask an ex- Catholic’s Catholic sister” Actually I went to a French Catholic school in Woonsocket, R.I. and learned all my Catholic stuff in French which I can’t remember how to speak. So my Catholic knowledge is strictly through asking my sister or research on the internet. I actually want to be a good witch so I can perform spells on people-mostly good ones, occasionally semi annoying ones but never bad ones. I’d be the good witch of the East. I think casting spells could be fun. I already have a wand that my wasband got me this Christmas with crystals on either end of it. I guess he already thinks of me as a witch. And of course, I have the beautiful witch you gave me when you visited recently whose name I can’t remember. It was a good name too. My daughter gave me a mini spell casting kit for Christmas this year and keep in mind I already have three black cats (see their drunken (on catnip) bodies on my Christmas blog. So I am all set up to be a witch, except I’m not too sure I believe in all that Goddess stuff that the Wiccans believe in. I’m interested in Buddhism too. I got Buddhism for Dummies for Christmas. So I guess spiritually I’m a little lost. So for now I’ll just keep doing research until something hits me and I have an epiphany and know I’ve found my spritual guide. And then maybe I’ll just eat Little Debby’s snack cakes and be done with it.
I love St. Applencia’s crown–very saintly and inspiring.
The crazed look in her eyes suggests she suffered martyrdom. Electrocution by faulty toaster perhaps? A horrendous Blender Incident? Dismemberment by electric knife?
Joan! I didn’t know you got the Buddhism book for Xmas. Now you can be our Buddhism expert, and while we’re at it, we can test Moonbeam’s impressive anagram skill. Perhaps she will discover the true meaning of buddhism or buddhist.
Wow, there really is a saint for everything! Just like for Dummies books. But is there a St. Applecia for Dummies? My old boss still has a few contacts over at Wiley Publishing. Maybe he can make it happen
YES Stu, it’s EXACTLY like the ‘For Dummies’ books! What an excellent observation! Dude your finger is RIGHT on the PULSE!
But we may be returning to St. Dymphna, patron saint of the insane and mentally ill, whom Wendy mentioned a post or two back. I think you’re right though, that we really need a patron saint for the stupid, not just the mentally ill. Please make it happen!
@ MB – Yes, we really do need a candle. I would have made one last night but I was supposed to be working, even while I was researching St. Applencia. But I will have a candle of her before my deadline is over. I told you, having a work deadline always makes me very creative, for some reason.
@ Joan – You could still do the Ask A Catholic thing, but phone Barbara and force her to answer the questions off the top of her head … DO NOT allow her to check the info online or in a book. And don’t tell her what you’re doing. Make it seem like a normal conversation. But tape record it, so you can transcribe her every word.
@ Barbara – Oh hi, Barbara. Please disregard the previous comment. But you’re right about St. Applencia, she had her head cut off in a really gross accident with a food processor. Yech.
@ Stu – My god, you know what would be excellent? The Dummies Guide to SAINTHOOD. It could tell you (me, really) exactly how to become sainted. Please put in a call to your old boss for me.
@ David – I want The Dummies Guide to Sainthood so I can get in on this thing. And I do have plans to blog about my own personal saint, St. Dymphna. She’s awesome. Last night she made me dream that I lived in an ultra modern house that was a cross between a hamster Habitrail and Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater. It was so much fun, I hated waking up. Truthfully, I was quite pissed off to wake up. Quite pissed indeed.
I just watched a show on my small appliance TV called “It’s not easy being Green”. Takes place in England. But they showed this sculpture made from small appliances that the average person throws out in a year. It was huge, made up of microwaves, lots of TOASTERS, every imaginable small appliance you could think of. It should have been dedicated to St. Applencia. Well, maybe not dedicated, all it did was show she’s up in heaven not paying too much attention to our appliance problems. I think we all need to say a little prayer to her tonight so she can get rolling and do her job. She’s probably up there making toast in the most expensive toaster in heaven while I got a sale one from walmart for $8.00. that won’t last two weeks. Ask Barbara about her small appliance problems with walmart.
Well, I think I’ll go write my blog about how I broke my ass last night.
@ Joan – I have lots of WalMart/appliance stories myself. And I hate returning them to WalMart so very much … I’ve stopped buying them there. But the appliance homage sounds cool. I could dig something like that in my front yard.
Although I was supposed to be working all day (I’m trying to make up for it now) we went over to New Mexico to Old Mesilla. I posted photos of it here on the blog a couple months ago. ANYWAY. There was a very nice little old lady selling her handpainted portraits of saints. She had hundreds of them stacked up on tables. So I asked her if she had my saint, St. Dymphna. And she did! But she wanted $22 for it and, quite frankly, I could have done a better job if I painted it myself. Which I plan to do. I would have bought it for $5, but not more because her St. Dymphna looked too much like Marilyn Monroe. So I didn’t get it. But the little woman has a website if you’re interested in seeing her St. Marilyn Dymphna: http://www.saintlygifts.com/saintsdetail.php?intPrime=61
Now I need to go check your broken ass?!
I’m no artist, but I think her saints would give me nightmares. I bet Barbara could paint saints and sell them. She could sell them at The Barnstable County Fair. I can see it now. Barbara with a bullhorn yelling “Come one, come all, get your favorite patron Saint, I have them all including the new St. Applencia”.
@ Joan – Oh, God I can totally see Barbara doing that. She could have a table set up over near the 4-H jelly and jam tent. She could yell out a carny call with the same enthusiasm that she used to have to yell “Mahgret!” across the newsroom whenever there was an emergency (like a stranger walking in off the street and deciding to place a last minute announcement in the calendar listings for his one-man tuba concert, which would be scheduled to take place in his own living room) and we needed to stop the presses.
At her fair table, Barbara could have a boombox playing When The Saints Go Marching In. You could sit at her table with her and watch the fair people. Perhaps you could pelt some of the weirder-looking passersby with popcorn every now and then.
Shit. I’d fly home to see this. And sit at the table with you to pelt the weird ones with popcorn while Barbara hawked her saint portraits.
We could put a halo on her head and tell people she’s a descendant of St. Applencia and she could bless everyone’s toasters because St. Applencia appears to her in visions and tells her how to do it. I like the music back round too. It gives it that dramatic affect. We’d have to buy a lot of popcorn for the pelting because there are so many weirdos at the fair. Now we just have to talk Sister B. into doing it.
@ Joan – Maybe if you slipped a handful of those mushroom caplets into her coffee we wouldn’t have to talk her into it at all, she’d happily do it.
Oh god, I love this idea. Except I’d hurl rocks at the jerks who wouldn’t stop at my table. “Whaddya mean you don’t want to buy my fucking paintings, you dumb asshole.”
Wendy could make me a crown just like St. Applencia’s and angel wings to wear on my back.
Oh, and when Joan learns to be a witch she could cast spells on people who annoy me.
And speaking of Mahgret, one time I was in the paste-up room putting together the A&E page and I was humming softly while I worked. She came up to me and whispered in a weird cringing voice, “Would you please stop humming. I can’t concentrate when people hum.” I busted out laughing. She also told me once she couldn’t stand the sound of laughter. Jesus.
@ Barbara – Oh yeah? Well one time (as you probably recall) I told her she was pathetic and only had a job because her father owned the company, that she was a disgrace to journalism and the word shouldn’t even be applied to her, and it was preposterous that she even consider editing my work or anyone else’s — even the art columnist (whom I always suspected as having his column ghost-written by a chimp). I also accused her of being responsible for headlines like: Carly Simon Seen Shopping On Main Street.
Then I followed it all up in a memo just to make sure she could have a hard copy to hold in her hands, lest she ever forget what I said. My memo began with: No, it wasn’t all a bad dream. What I said was …
Does that make you feel any better? I hope so. It certainly made me feel better at the time, even while I was cashing my unemployment checks. 🙂
Oh sweet Jesus, I forgot about the Carly Simon headline and the memo.
Remember the headline Bill wrote? “Man Commits Suicide Then Kills Wife.”
Oh god I hope I don’t dream about them tonight. In my recurring dreams of them, Depot Ave is lined with broken buildings and rubble-filled sidewalks, which I have to crawl over to get to work. And at the end of the day when I go out to the parking lot, my car is surrounded by boulders and I can’t get home.
I will never stop thinking about the headline Barbara just quoted.
That headline is absolutely true. They were morons. Wealthy-wealthy morons.
Barbara, you’re dream sounds awful. I still dream about them all the time, too. Very upsetting nightmares. Do you think we could sue for this?
OH MY GOD. Just as I was thinking, ‘STOP you’re desecrating the name of St Applencia’ then you lob those headlines at us! Good going ladies. You and your recollections. No really, you guys were really yukkin it up there! It’s hilarious shit!
I was there that day Carly Simon was shopping (I think it was me). It was HORRIBLE! I still have flashbacks.
And, finally (thank GOD), I once had a blog post ghost-written by an infinite number of monkeys. It was kinda lame but a guy in Ireland liked it. Anywho the suicide headline reminds of a Simpsons “easter egg”. The sign in front of Springfield General Hospital: “Quality Care or Your Autopsy is Free”.
[…] you already know this (U KNOW ALL), but the final days of 2007 brought a new saint to the pantheon of protectors and patrons of the universal faith. She is Saint Applencia (yes […]
@ David – Thanks for the ping. That Carly Simon caused a lot of problems. I can totally see you getting all Flashdance about her. And I also love the “easter eggs” in the Simpsons, but they were more fun for us before we got DVR. Now we can rewind and hit pause to read them, whereas before we had to be fast. I think my brain has become slower because of DVR. Which is why I plan to take up juggling in 2008, to exercise my brain. That, and brushing my teeth with my left hand.
Enjoyed this site, the details would help out so many people, I will be spreading the word. Thanks
Hi Deanne! This post was actually connected to this one, which you may find more helpful: http://lifewithbuck.com/2007/12/27/kitchen-appliances-that-suck-part-1/