A Warning: Don’t Do It

NEVER do this, man, never keep “like tubes” in a little pile on your vanity table like this:

My lips are so freaking numb right now, I can’t even talk.

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Saint Applencia

Well it took a lot of research but I finally found her, thank heavens. Here she is: Saint Applencia, the Patron Saint of Small Kitchen Appliances.

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Technorati Tags: patron saints, saint of kitchen appliances

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Elfin’ Cheer

Okay, this is corny as hell, but I’m a very corny person at heart so this was tailormade for me. Of course, Buck is a whole other story. He’ll  probably freak out when he wakes up and discovers I’ve done this and posted it on the Internet.  I elfed us, and if you want a good laugh I highly encourage you to do the same.

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Holiday Catalog Disappointments

     Try and imagine, if you will, the sheer joy I felt when the afternoon mail brought the [name removed] Catalog, Holiday 2007 edition, that features page after page of delightfully realistic and often life-sized (well, almost life-sized) curiosities such as those shown above. My head was swimming with the Christmas spirit, and the list I was frantically trying to finish and hand to Buck TODAY, giving him plenty of time to get a jump-start on holiday shopping for me, and perhaps take advantage of some free shipping deals.

     Now imagine, please, the devastating disappointment that overwhelmed me when he flat-out refused to even consider any of the items on my work-in-progress list. And it’s not as if I could just buy the items myself, as I haven’t even seen a credit card ever since the time I spent $300 on a desk lamp and we decided it would be best for all parties concerned if I didn’t shop with plastic anymore.

Buck’s reaction being breaking news and all, I canceled my scheduled post about his fascinating refusal to use a heating pad on his sore back, and replaced it with this post instead, just in case anyone should wonder why my entryway is bare and the walls of my home are not very interesting. 

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Me: WHY?! What the hell is wrong with the Bigfoot? I can understand you not wanting me to get the guys wrestling —

Buck: That wrestling hold looks illegal, not to mention painful as hell. I don’t know when in history they used that hold, but I don’t remember it ever being taught in Al Nunes’ gym class. Had I known about that hold, I think I could have won a lot more wrestling matches.

Me: Yeah, well I can understand that one. But the Bigfoot? What’s wrong with that?

Buck: That thing is just stupid. What would you do with it?

Me: I’d put it by the front door. What’s the point of having no visitors if you can’t display a Bigfoot at the front door?

Buck: [laughing] That’s probably why we have no visitors.

Me: Well now that doesn’t even make sense.

Buck: And this thing you’ve got on your list…what the hell is that for? To hang clothes off of?

Me: Yes. Although I do admit that his stomach looks rather odd.

Buck: Whatever is going on with his stomach is none of my business, and I already know I’d bang my head on him somehow while reaching for a bathrobe in the dark.

Me: But he’s life-size and that’s what’s so cool. I could hang my necklaces around his neck and make him wear one of my bras. And he could wear all my watches, and my Red Sox baseball cap, and I could even put blush on his cheeks and pennies in his ears —

Buck: No. Definitely not. It would be Perry’s Nut House all over again, and we barely got out of that by the skin of our teeth.

Me: That disintegrating mountain lion wanted to wear my beads. She looked better with them on. I don’t want to talk about it.

Buck: What’s this gargoyle beer opener? Do we need one of those? Does anyone? It says it’s authentic!  An authentic gargoyle beer opener?

Me: That’s not on my list, although it’s kind of cute. But we don’t need it, no. 

Buck: Why have they got Jesus right next to this naked woman? He looks like a crossing guard. Why is he wearing a sombrero? AND WHY ARE THERE ARROWS ON HIS HANDS?

Me: Those aren’t arrows, that’s stigmata.

Buck: No. No. Those are arrows. Look closely.

Me: Wow. You’re right. That is really weird. Why does he have those arrows? They look like Fimo clay. But he wasn’t on my list anyway, I only circled him because I was thinking of it for Barbara. She doesn’t have a big Jesus, and I thought it could go in her office, or at the top of her staircase near that lithograph I gave her of the levitating nun.

Buck: And what is this cave the Virgin Mary is living in? 

Me: Everybody always puts Mary in a cave. It’s what’s done.

Buck: Yeah, well she’s dangling giant medals of herself from fishing line off her wrists.

Me: Give me that! [snatches catalog away] Wow. And she’s standing on a snake! I think it’s a boa constrictor. She’s doing it properly, too. She’s got it pinned just behind its head —

Buck: Well you can cross that right off your list.

Me: It wasn’t on my list. You merely assumed it was.

Buck: This is all stuff that’s absolute crap.

Me: So, basically, you’re saying no.

Buck: Well that’s the way I like to put it. So yes, I am saying no.

Me: What about the Seven Sins. You know I love the sins. I think it’s fascinating when people can’t differentiate between a sin and a crime, or a sin and a bad attitude —

Buck: I know you do, but —

Me: Look! Here’s my favorite … Sloth. Do you remember when I got in trouble in the newsroom because the reporters were having a contest to see who could name all Seven Sins? And everybody kept naming Sloth? And we had this list of like twenty five sins and they were all Sloth? Every sin was Sloth? And they forced us to take it down off the wall and I refused? And I got called into the office and accused of being a trouble maker —

Buck: They’re all gross. Look at Lust. He’s disgusting. I’m not gonna have those things looking at me all the time.

Me: What about the vomiting rain gutter?

Buck: No.

Me: The complete set of  pens depicting the Knights of Templar?

Buck: No.

Me: The big-mouth chimp that holds change?

Buck: Revolting. No.

Me: Well this is just ridiculous, you’ve objected to everything.

Buck: Right. You are correct.

Me: Shaka the life-sized Zulu warrior?

Buck: Definitely not him.

Me: The T-Rex head?

Buck: Forget it.

Me: The maiden with the unicorn?

Buck: Nope. That unicorn looks way too satisfied. He looks like he should be smoking a cigarette.

Me: That was gonna be a joke gift!

Buck: For who?

Me: You.

Buck: Nope.

Me: So there’s nothing in this catalog that you could live with?

Buck: Nothing. The only thing that even comes close is this, but the devil dragon cancels it out. It looks like the statue the priest saw at the beginning of The Exorcist. So… NO.

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If anyone feels they need to own copy of this catalog (it is rather awesome) and wants the name of it , email me and I’ll email you the name and address. And if anyone has a clue why Jesus has those arrows, please tell me. 

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Links: Perry’s Nut House, in my dad’s hometown of Belfast, Maine. I’m not going there again, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go there. They sell nuts and candy. Don’t hang stuff on the taxidermied animals.

Technorati Tags: Humor, Life with Buck, catalog shopping, unusual and weird gifts

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