Me: Could you repeat that?
Buck: I said, the shopping cart etiquette at Wal-Mart is so fucking out of control I just can’t begin to believe it.
Me: Really.
Buck: Really. Trying to push a shopping cart around Wal-Mart, just minding your own business, is impossible. The way people act . . . they think they’re Britney Spears shopping in the store all alone after hours.
Me: [laughing] [laughing] I know. That is true. But it’s not just at Wal-Mart. I have problems everywhere I go that a shopping cart is involved.
Buck: You know, I go out on a simple mission and I figure I’ll surprise you with a new Rubbermaid sink divider —
Me: I hate when you surprise me with stuff like that —
Buck: — because I know you’ll never remember one because of your list problem, and, it’s especially bad when you venture down into the kitchen aisles. You know the kitchen aisles?
Me: Yeah.
Buck: Oh my God. It’s like people’s brains are gone. They’re all thinking, Hmm, what sort of accouterment should I get for my gold chandelier at home, or some crap . . .
Me: Like what?
Buck: Oh I don’t know, some add-on device for their chandelier.
Me: Well my flowers are gorgeous, and these candles are beautiful … thank you! I really needed some new candles, because most of mine are used up.
Buck: I thought you’d really like this one, because of the devil’s horns.
Me: Well, I don’t think that’s actually the devil’s horns —
Buck: It’s devil horns, trust me.
Me: Okay. But it kind of looks like a mystical half moon, or maybe the top part of a golden ox . . . I hope it’s a golden ox’s tusk. I like to think everyone’s been wrong about idols, etcetera, because they’re kinda fun. I think the ox tusks are sitting atop a magic lamp. Sure looks like a magic lamp —
Buck: Oh. Read this. It’s a Saint for the depressed. It’s protecting us from the depths of despair. We should light a whole bunch of these.
Me: Oh my God yes! We should cover every surface in this house with these candles for the depressed and the desperately despairing. Lit candles.
Buck: It says, As you gaze upon us, help us, provide remedies for our pain and do not abandon us when we sin.
Me: Well … that’s for you really, now isn’t it. You’re the Catholic. Only Catholics sin. In my family’s religion there’s no sin. Sin is so stupid, we don’t have it. There are crimes . . . crimes against humanity, crimes against the law, but not sins. The whole concept of sin is just so preposterous —
Buck: And that’s why you’re going straight to Hell.
Me: We don’t have Hell in my family, either.
Buck: They’re all going to Hell too.
Me: . . .
Buck: This Saint is another virgin. This one’s from San Juan. There are a lot of these virgins around —
Me: I know, isn’t it great? There’s a virgin for every situation. Now we, the depressed, have one.
Buck: How did all these virgins propagate? If it’s immaculate conception, someone’s been really busy.
Me: I don’t know. I’ll ask Barbara. But I can’t call her now. It’s almost my nap time, and in her world it’s the time of day when she gets in her Jeep and drives around drinking coffee. There’s a small window during the morning when I make my phone calls to people, and right now it’s much too late in the day. I’ve already turned the phone off anyway.
Buck: The blue of that candle … what is that? Ethereal blue, I think.
Me: Oh god no. It’s royal blue. Ethereal, now that’s a word for me. Ethereal is one of my words. I try and use it whenever it applies. I love ethereal, and that’s not it. That’s royal blue.
Buck: I got you another Barbara candle, because I figured it was time.
Me: Yeah, another day or so and it will have gone out, so I do need a new Barbara Writing Candle. You’re a mind reader. I like to keep a candle lit at all times for Barbara’s writing. The flame must burn for her latest book, even when we go out to dinner.
Buck: Read the back of this candle–
Me: I don’t have to read the back, I’ve memorized it —
Buck: It looks like you wrote this to Barbara, Prayer to Santa Barbara, my sublime and generous protectress —
Me: [laughing]
Buck: — I beseech you to deliver me from all the wickedness and snares of the devil, who would keep me in misery and sin.
Me:[laughing] Yes? What’s so funny? She does that for me —
Buck: Barbara’s got the inside track, huh?
Me: [laughing] She does.
Buck: It looks like she’s doing a trick.
Me: Yeah. She’s making an ethereal sphere come out of her coffee cup and float over it —
Buck: No, she’s holding it up to the moonlight. It’s trick photography.
Me: Whatever. But I seriously do like to keep a candle lit for her writing at all times, so I really appreciate that you thought of me and got this. It saves me from having to leave the house.
Buck: Plus, Saint Barbara’s got a sword here. What the hell is that? I thought a pen was mightier than the sword.
Me: You’re right. And the pen is mightier than the sword. Could you fix that for me?
Buck: Put it on my desk.
Me: Thank you.
Buck: So I get you candles and flowers, and I got an air filter, some dog treats, and light bulbs.
Me: So what was your problem with Wal-Mart etiquette?
Buck: Wal-Mart is Hell. I feel like I should wear a helmet when I’m in there. A motorcycle helmet. Because there’s all these people going around with the blank look on their face like they’re not really there, and they’re dangerous. They just slam around. Like, there was this woman who slammed her cart into mine, blocking me so I couldn’t move, and she just walked away from it … she just left her cart blocking me and started shopping!
Me: My God. They’re so stupid, aren’t they?
Buck: So I said to her, Excuse me, excuse me, and she looked at me like she was disgusted.
Me: Remember when I was at the supermarket on Sunday and met that old guy in the wheelchair cart who needed help?
Buck: Yes. I remember it well.
Me: Well. It was mobbed in the aisle, and he kept asking people to help him reach the marmalade, and they all ignored him! That’s how I ended up helping this guy to shop … because I was the only person who responded to him asking for help. But I was way down the other end of the aisle, and I had to worm my way through the crowd to get to him, for crying out loud. And when I ever found out he was from New York City, I almost had a fit.
Buck: Because you figured they could smell East Coast on him?
Me: YES! There was something wrong, don’t you think? I mean, why wouldn’t anyone help him?! They certainly heard him. Was it the way he pronounced marmalade? Was that the repellent?
Buck: Probably.
Me: So I ended up having to go around the store with him and help him shop. Not that I minded. I actually enjoyed it. We talked about how much we hate it here, and how the hot dogs suck, and you can’t get a decent bagel —
Buck: I’m sure you did. You must have made quite a pair, strolling through the Texans and kvetching about the absence of a good deli. Did you tell him your theory about Jesus hating the Yankees?
Me: Well … he was from New York …
Buck: Yes. And you’re from Boston …
Me: Soooo … noooo … I didn’t get around to … I don’t have a lot of friends here … No. I did not tell the old man from New York how Jesus hates the Yankees. But I did tell him how my mother was a native New Yorker. And we talked about Manhattan for awhile —
Buck: So anyway.
Me: I can’t keep talking about shopping cart rudeness, I have like a million instances I could cite and I’m really fed up with it. I’m like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
Buck: We’re both like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. And that’s why it’s my all-time favorite movie. So anyway. I’m down in the curtain aisle, looking for your curtain rod thing, and there’s this woman down there looking at the rods too.
Me: Uh oh.
Buck: She looks right at me, and just as I’m starting to walk by her, she pulls out a giant curtain rod and I had to dodge it to avoid getting hit in the face! And she immediately turns to me and says, Oh, did I hit you?
Me: That’s terrible. What’s wrong with people? Seriously, what-is-wrong-with-people? Why is everyone so inconsiderate? It’s so depressing to me. These people are horrible. And I don’t understand. Why doesn’t anyone use common courtesy? Why? Do we expect too much? Are we too polite?
Buck: Yes. I wish these fucking shopping carts had horns on them.
Me: Car horns or devil horns?
Buck: Car horns, so I could beep at these people. Though devil horns might be better, so I can impale them.
Me: Or an ox tusk. An ox tusk would be good.
Buck: Ox don’t have tusks.
Me: Not the contemporary oxen, no. But the golden ones used for idolatry do have tusks. The car horn is a good idea, too. I’m sure a bike horn would work just as well. Note to self, get a bike horn for my shopping cart.
Buck: Yeah, that’ll look good. Be sure you bring your cat with you to ride in the basket.
Me: Well now you’re just talking crazy. I don’t even have a cat.
_____________________
Maybe Santa Barbara just *really* likes her soft-boiled egg in the morning.
The car horn on the shopping cart reminds me of Bennie and June (the movie). Buck or you could also wear a helmet and swim goggles. How hilarous would that be? Then you could go through Wal-Mart like you’re crazy, but not. You should have a hidden camera attached to your goggles so you can get the reactions and then post it on YouTube. You’ll have a hit in a New York second. LOL. That would be friggin hilarious.
@ Vermonter – The artwork on these candles is very curious, which is part of the appeal for me. I’m sure it all means something, but I have no idea what! Both my friend Barbara and Buck were raised as Catholics so I always ask them about things I’m stuck on, such as the meaning of flames coming out of a saint’s head or whatever. But the real explanations are often more disturbing than anything I could dream up.
@ Little Miss – Though you’re kidding about the helmet and googles, it would really be the solution to the problem! You’re 100 percent right. If I went into Wal-Mart like that, tooting a bike horn on the end of my cart, I know the sea of shoppers would part instantly. That’s probably the only thing I envy Britney for, her ability to ask a store to open in the middle of the night so she can shop alone. That, and having the disposable millions to spend there. 🙂
How many of these candles do you have? They’re amazing, especially the one of Santa Barbara. How lucky to have your very own patron saint, with a ballpoint pen and everything.
I checked online to see if there was a patron saint for Wal-Mart shoppers, but alas, there isn’t one. Buck is going to have to be the martyr who starts it all, and in a hundred years or so, people will be lighting a Saint Buck candle before they head to the SuperStore.
@ MBMQ – It’s kind of odd there isn’t a saint for shoppers, now that you mention it. There seems to be one for everything else.
I don’t have an exact count of my candle collection. Originally I had planned to steam off the artwork once the candles were spent, but then I discovered they make great containers for knitting needles, and art supplies like brushes, my many tubes of various glues, etc. I just like the illustrations, pure and simple. Not having a clue what any of the symbols mean probably fosters my fascination with it. If I were like Barbara and Buck, I’d probably be more hesitant to surround myself with it.
I so love the new Santa Barbara armed with a pen that I printed a picture of it and will incorporate it in the altar on my desk.
And I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you light the Santa B candle as a writing aid for me. I wondered why the story I’ve been struggling with is finally coming together. Santa B is lighting my way–I’m convinced of it. Thank you both so very much.
Now onto more prosaic matters: I totally understand Buck’s wild fury over shopping cart rudeness. I become so enraged when people leave their carts in the middle of aisles that, if possible (in other words if I don’t think I’ll get caught), I move the entire cart to the opposite side of the store. It’s really really rewarding to watch my victim race up and down aisles looking for their damn cart.
@ Barbara – I’ll be sure and send you this candle. I do like to keep one lit at all times because if one goes out and I have to light a whole new one, it requires the reading of the prayer on the back, which always makes Buck come flying out of his office to witness it. I find that annoying.
What a coincidence! I move their carts too! Quite far away from me, as a matter of fact. But I hadn’t thoght to point them in the opposite direction, that is such a good idea. I have to go to Sam’s Club today — don’t even get me started about the clueless baboons fill the aisles there — and I will definitely be turning people’s carts in the opposite direction. It sounds like such fun. I hate other shoppers, I HATE them. They’ve completely obliterated my parents hard work to teach me consideration and manners. Of course, in her last years my mother seemed to have forgotten it all herself … one time she asked the cashier at Stop and Shop if “stupid” was a requirement to work there.
I just remembered my shopping cart pet peeve. When you have a massively packed heavy cart (think exiting Costco) and someone walks towards you and makes YOU move aside or change directions. ARGH. Like, it’s seriously hard to maneuver those carts, and if you have lower back pain, it’s even harder. One of these days I’m going to say something to someone.
I hate WalMart! Tristan & I have to plan our shopping times around school vacations & the first & last of the months because of different Welfare type checks. On our most recent visit some “Yo” (little cape cod kids who think they are gangsters) slammed into my cart and looked inside it, snickered and said something along the lines of “Whatevs” I have no idea what this was about but Tristan thinks it was the equivalent of a pissing contest. The people who check us out are always complaining about their boogery kids and that the “daddy” doesn’t send his check no more, or ever. OMG it’s awful! Maybe I should try Falmouth instead of Wareham and hope for a better demographic.
I avoid Wal-Mart at certain times and won’t go on a Saturday at all. WAY too many crazy people.
You and Buck are hi-larious. 🙂 Thanks for the great read today!
OMG ~ I am glad that I took the time to stop in and read for a spell!
I would like to borrow a line that you have in your “About Life with Buck” section:
“So if you find a mistake, just fuck off. And I mean that in the nicest, kindest, smilingest way possible.”
I think it would make a fabulous sign to place above my desk!
@ Little Miss – Yes! That’s another thing that people do now and it’s so inconsiderate I could scream. Like you pointed out, those carts are awkward enough without trying to make them do things they weren’t meant to do, like move sideways. If the world is going to be flat out rude from now on, the makers of shopping carts need to do some overhauling of their design.
@ Dragonfly – That little Yo looking into your cart and commenting … well that would have really pissed me off. I’d still be brooding over it. And obviously you are. Yet, had you said or done something about it you’re the one who would have been perceived as a nut, or a bitch, and possibly had your windshield smashed or some other stupid thing. The world is so fucked up and crazy, I feel like running away with the doormouse and have a very merry un-birthday. In other words, it’s driving me completely insane.
@ Lucky – Thanks for stopping by! I agree with you about staying away from Wal-Mart on Saturdays. But here in El Paso, it’s like Saturday all the time. You go there on a Tuesday night at 8 PM and you find the same lack of parking, crowded aisles, and crazy people. I feel like there’s no longer any time of day or night when Wal-Mart is a pleasant experience.
@ betme – I’m glad you stopped by! I really like your blog. Go right ahead and make a sign for your above your desk, then you can just point to it should anyone have any complaints. And wow, I can’t believe someone read my About section. Thanks!
My ex was stationed in El Paso…
Do you miss grass?
@ Lucky – It’s so funny you should mention that, because I was saying just the other day how I really felt like taking a hit off a bong. 😉 Just kidding.
Yes, I totally miss grass! And oak trees, and the beach! El Paso has its own beauty, but it takes some getting used to.
OMG. The comments are almost as funny as the post itself. Particularly your last reply to Lucky, Wendy.
Meant to add… cuz the same thought went through my mind when I first read Lucky’s question too.
HA HA HA! Y’all are funny!
I went grocery shopping today and bought a Virgen de Guadalupe candle because of this post. I’m thinking that it may not work, because I dropped the first one I picked up and smashed it to bits before I ever got out of the aisle. The Latino people were looking at me like this was not a good thing. I thought, “Uh oh. Bad omen,” and I wasn’t going to get another, but the store lady insisted. Maybe I look like I need some spiritual assistance.
Anyway, I’ve said the prayers in Spanish and English, and it’s shining down upon me from my desk. I’ll keep you posted.
Duuuude….I miss grass too.
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE
The Word of Dr. Buck, shepherd of the Sea Monkeys, rings loud and true:
PEOPLE!
Listen to Buck! Do NOT go to Walmart! Is it worth your life to save 22 cents? NO! How about 22 dollars? NO!
And please don’t let the candles march out of the house. That’s just creepy.
@ Little Miss – I’m glad you thought that way too, and I’m not the only one whose mind works that way!
@ Lucky – We’ve all got evil on our minds. Sorry ’bout the evilness! 🙂
@ MBMQ – I’m so glad you got a Virgen de Guadalupe candle … the first one wasn’t meant to be. It will interest you to know that Raging Storm just told me the Virgen, like the Virgen of San Juan, is standing on a moon! He said that in Mexican culture the Virgen de Guadalupe is always present with these saints and she’s got the moon on her side. Thought you’d like to know that, Moonbeam.
It figures that you, me, and Little Miss were the freaks who immediately thought of pot when Lucky was innocently inquiring about lawns. I mean that in the cute little Class of 1978 way. 🙂
@ David – I know, Wal-Mart really is Hell, and its devotees are nothing but minions. WM put Joan right out of business, as well as countless other little mom and pop stores that were doing just fine before they arrived. Granted, they supply a lot of jobs, but at what cost?
Glad you love my candles. hee-hee. 🙂
I see the moon! How cool is that?
Class of ’78 RULES.
I seriously believe Walmart pipes some un-noticeable ADDICTIVE gas through the ventilation system that makes people think they have to shop there. often.
But I’m immune – well, I break into hives and get nauseous when I drive by a Walmart. So I NEVER go to Walmart.
I once told someone that I don’t shop at Walmart and they looked at me like I was crazy, “but where do you buy the stuff you can only buy at walmart then!??!” LIke I’m some freak that doesn’t use toilet paper or something.
Like Walmart is the only place to buy TP? what!? I’m with Dave, it just aint worth the money to go to Walmart.
I hate Wal-Mart. So there.
On the other hand, please tell me I don’t have to call my sister Saint Barbara from now on. This could go to her head. I almost fell off my chair when I saw her candle, pen in hand. I’m glad you light it for her. I know she appreciates it.
@ C – LOL. So … where do you get the stuff you can only get at Wal-Mart? I love that, it’s hilarious.
@ Joan – I dunno … after reading how you stabbed your eardrum while eating Chinese food, I’m beginning to think I should be lighting a candle for you, too. 🙂
Joan: I prefer Santa Barbara over Saint Barbara–it has an exotic ring to it, don’t you think?
Santa Barbara
@ Santa Barbara: I am making you my personal saint of weird foods. Twice last week, I ate peanut butter paste and today, for the first time in my life I ate a Spam and cheese sandwich. I am praying that you will please remove the calories from these items.
Moonbeam says: I am praying that you will please remove the calories from these items.
Santa Barbara says: Consider it done, my child.
Shoot! Moonbeam, I just now bought you a can of Spam. I used it as my excuse to get back to K-mart and the gumball saint machine. ‘Cuz I couldn’t say, “Jeezus, I gotta get some more gumball saints,” so I said, “Jeezus, I get some spam for Moonbeam to try.”
So … now that you’ve had it, what did you think?
And Santa B., speaking of foods. Did you know Moonbeam’s Tom puts margarine in his hot chocolate? Have you tried that yet?
Margarine in hot chocolate? Hmmm. As a connoisseur of junk food, I have to think about that one.
I, too, was wondering how Moonbeam liked the Spam. By the way, Spam and scrambled eggs is good, too. Fry the Spam before mixing with eggs.
Santa B.
Awwww…Wendy you are so sweet. You can use me as an excuse to go get gumball saints, any time. Especially if you’re buying me Spam.
It was REALLY good, I’m afraid. I made a cheese, Spam, and mayo on toast. I never thought I would write that sentence.
It sort of sounds like “tuna on white bread with a Tab.”
Barbara, thank you for removing the calories. I was actually planning to make Spam and eggs, because I think it would taste really good fried.
Maybe I should just inject sodium and fat directly into my bloodstream. Nahhhh… the taste is what makes it worth going the chewing route.
Can you nuke spam?
I’m on overload & I can’t stop it!
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I made an A ♥
lol I guess I made an f – that means I fail ♥
@ Santa Barbara – I agree, fried spam and eggs is good. Reminds me of my father, he loved that.
@ MB – I’m sure Spam is nukeable (?).
@ Aimee – HEY! You solved the problem of the hearts! How do make hearts? You’re a genius.
Oops! I just found the heart code on your blog. Thank you! ♥
This post, and the comments are so funny. Grass…….LOL.
I hate WM too, but there aren’t alot of options here. I had to go yesterday, and they had predicted snow and ice. In the south, as prediction of snow flurries means everyone is required to go to the grocery for bread and milk, even if you have plenty of bread and milk. I went at 2:30 in the afternoon and it was CRAZY!!!!!!!
There was no shopping cart etiqute, because there was no shopping carts.
@ Alyson – Yeah, New England experiences the same “bread and milk panic” and it’s the butt of a lot of jokes. But the jokes are well-deserved, because venturing into the supermarket when a storm has been predicted is just craziness. It gives me a taste of what I imagine the end of the world would be like, the scary madness that would take place.
The best thing is when you wake up the day after the predicted storm and the sun is shining and school buses are out in full force and you think of all those frenzied supermarket raiders from the day before and hope they feel like a-holes.
You people and your junk food and I’m stuck with vitamuffins because they have a lot of fiber.
@ Joan – The really sad thing is that I eat the health food too. Junk food, health food, I eat it all. And it’s all very good, I’m happy to report. Maybe that’s where that saying came from, “It’s all good …”
At Walmart, Wendy, especially at the 24-hour ones after 1 a.m., you will find those people for whom medications have ensured that “IT’S ALL GOOD!”. Before the meds it was “EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS!” These people are unstable. Risky. Slamming around …
As Buck has so keenly observed, there is great danger there. Sorry to shout, but WE DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE MICHAEL DOUGLAS in Falling Down!!! I bet bin Laden shops at Walmart!
@David – LOL “…Risky. Slamming around …”
I bet Bin Laden ownes a portion of Wal-Mart.
It’s not just Wal-Mart though, you know. Parking lots. Anywhere: Thoroughly. Lawless. Places. Talk about your slamming around. Talk about your weekend medication schedule. I’ll bet the idea for the whole Mad Max series originated in somebody’s quick dash into [name your regular american shopping palace] for kleenex or TP or chips or something. Wal-Mart takes the rap becuase there are just more Wal-Mart parking lots than any other kind.
@ vermonter – This: “Talk about your weekend medication schedule …” made me laugh out loud.
You’re right! Isn’t that sad? Wow. This was my father’s biggest nightmare, that the morons would take over. And now it’s happened. My dad was right. I don’t know how we take back our public places, though. Any ideas? I like Barbara’s tactic of turning people’s carts in the wrong direction. But I don’t think it will be enough somehow. Bound and Gags has that lovely pink Hello Kitty machine gun offered on his blog, but I don’t think even that will help at this point.
When the aliens finally come to straighten us out, they will probably land in a Walmart parking lot. I hope that they vaporize those rude rude parking lot shopping cart wheeling slobs, as in Mars Attacks! ACK ACK!!
@ David – When Mars Attacks! first came out, I didn’t like it. Now I love that movie. I think that is exactly what it will be like. ACK! ACK!
This is strange. I thought the US was anti-Catholic . Who then is going to buy all those candles? Or are they all meant as hoaxes? Party jokes? Wedding presents? Incredible.
Or is this due to your immigration? I know I ought to read the blog, but it is long, and I really have to mop the floor, you know. And do the kitchen. And look for the tax receipt.
@ cantueso – As Buck says, “I like peanut butter, do you play baseball?”
I feel this sudden urge to queue up some Twilight Zone music.
@ MBMQ – Or the music from that charming Hitchcock film with Anthony Perkins and Janet Leigh.
Oh yeah, what was that called…”Bambi?”
Bambi meets Godzilla?
LOL
I TOLD you that the photo of the candles “marching” out of the house was creepy!
My biggest regret is not having used my camera to film them in a sort of stop-motion thing. Note to self: Learn to upload movies.
Well, I hope yoou did not think I was trying to be insulting, because I am naturally rather good at it. So are you, I see. The problem is, IMHO it is so time consuming, and right now I should really be cleaning up the kitchen and look at the tax forms and feed the birds.
@ Wendy: yes, “nothing says ‘spree killer’ like Hello Kitty”
@ Vermonter – The thing is, that machine gun is really cute! A lot of people don’t Hello Kitty, but maybe this machine gun thing will turn all that around.
if you think the machine gun is cute you should see the itty-bitty claymore mines. Hel-lo, Kitty!
I bet things would be much better if all automatic weapons were pink.
@ Vermonter – Anything with Hello Kitty on it must be incredibly powerful. Not unlike A Boy Named Sue.
@ David – They should all be pink, and have a flower holder like the new Volkswagens.